My Thoughts About Me, Myself and I

I have learned, during the past several years to imagine my thoughts as leaves floating on a stream.  Having a wet weather creek that runs through our property has helped me with this imagery. “Oh! Here comes one. Watch it float by. Oh! Here comes another one. It’s floating by as well. Look at this big yellow one. Wow, look at that orange one! Have a nice day, leaves.”

I recently heard a similar idea in an AA meeting: “The thoughts running through my head are like trains coming in and out of Grand Central Station. The trains come in, pause, and leave for somewhere else. Just because I see these trains come and go does not mean that I have to hop on and ride each one of them.”

I have thoughts that seem to come from nowhere. They stay with me until another thought – also coming from nowhere – takes its place. It is constant. Relentless. Unending. Like the leaves in my stream. But, I don’t have to grab one, bring it back, chew on it and make it my Now. But, often I do. That act disrupts my serenity.

I learned in AA that my thoughts, if taken seriously and acted upon, may very well  lead me to conclude I can have one, little drink. Just every once in a while. It won’t hurt me. I don’t have to tell anyone. Old-timers told me – “Your thoughts and your feelings are not REAL things. They are not reliable. They can change in an instant. They are very, very fickle and they don’t give a damn about you. Alcohol is a disease – cunning, baffling and powerful. So, Donnie, don’t drink today, pray, go to a meeting, share honestly and help someone. Do not listen to or act on your thoughts until you check it out with another person. Do this just for today, and remember, the rest of your life is none of your business.”

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) tells me much the same thing. Early in my study of the Course, I summarized important (to me) concepts from the first 30 Lessons in the Workbook for Students. I put this summary on one page of text as a quick “cheat sheet” for myself. This one-pager opens with:

“My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts. I see nothing as it is now.   "The one wholly true thought I can hold about the past is that it is not here."

“Since I see only the past, my thoughts do not mean anything; I am upset because I am seeing something that is not there; my thoughts are merely images I have made. I only see what I am looking for. If my mind is preoccupied with the past – and all thoughts about the past are thoughts or images about illusions, and all I see is a projection of my thoughts – where does that leave what I am "seeing?" Nowhere! I am seeing reflections of my memories of an image or illusion. When I am picturing the past or anticipating the future, my mind is actually blank, because it is not thinking. It is only remembering my memories of an illusion.

“This idea totally engulfs my Ego in fear – if all that my Ego is showing me is meaningless, then I (and my illusionary world) are meaningless. My only option is to let God define my world and me. That is even more scary! It feels more "natural" to make my own meaning – with myself and my concerns at the center. If I let God make my meaning, then I have to believe that I, and all the things I value and fought for (including those things I believe are right and just), might be lost.

“This reality scares the bejeezus out of me, which puts me in a state of fear, rationalization, defensiveness, justification, projection, or disbelief – tools I use to protect "my" world. When I use these "tools," I am feeling like a victim/potential-victim/victor, all of which means that I am vulnerable and open to attack – believing what I see is true reality! Using my own past experience/learning to guide me is to continue to make my own meaning out of the world. By not doing this allows my Spirit Guide to speak to me and take His rightful place in my awareness.”

Today, when aware of my thoughts, it is critically important that I do not give them the weight of truth for me. Certainly, I have learned not to act on these thoughts, but, more importantly, not to give voice to them either. I try not to suppress my thoughts or feelings. But to begin talking about them – and hearing my own voice state them – seems to give those thoughts more power and substance. At least, in my mind, if I recognize these egoic thoughts for what they are, I have the opportunity to simply say to them: “Have a nice day. Bye.”

Then, I need do nothing except to still my mind by focusing on hearing the whispers of my Holy Spirit rather than all my egoic voices. I can remember I am not my body – nor am I my thoughts. I am an already-loved eternal spirit currently having a human experience.

As I stated last week, “I have to understand, on a visceral level, who the “Me” or “I” really is when I am speaking or thinking. The “I” that says to myself, “I really need a newer, more reliable car” is a different “I” than the one that says to my Holy Spirit, “I can’t do this anymore. Help me perceive things the way You see them.”

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening to me and getting to know me – warts and all. As always, feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#2 May 2016

Copyright 2016

ACIM’s Guide To Peacefulness

From my friend, Michael Z, [www.thewisdomoftherooms.com]: "If only my mind would leave me alone," I often think. I have what I call a "digging mind." Like a dog at the beach, it digs and digs and digs in a problem, a worry, or in some other imagined potential problem area or scenario often without my approval or awareness. It loves to uncover negative thoughts, feelings and fears, and then rehearse ugly scenarios, or rehash old problems.

 My digging mind is not only relentless, but it is consistently negative as well. I never find it digging in a positive or hopeful place. I can't recall it dwelling on or digging in the hole of getting that great job, or relationship, or winning the lotto, or of having things work out. No, driven by a hundred forms of self-centered fear, it searches the beaches of disappointment and failure, and digs away.

ACIM addresses this same phenomena throughout – consistently reminding us that the Course, essentially, is a course in mind training. How do I train my mind?  Do I relinquish all my possessions and move to some mountain cave and live like a hermit? The Manual for Teachers (Part III of the Course) addresses this in Chapter 9, Are Changes Required In The Life Situation Of God's Teachers?

1 Changes are required in the minds of God's teachers. This may or may not involve changes in the external situation. Remember that no one is where he is by accident, and chance plays no part in God's plan. It is most unlikely that changes in attitudes would not be the first step in the newly-made teacher of God's training. There is, however, no set pattern, since training is always highly individualized. There are those who are called upon to change their life situation almost immediately, but these are generally special cases. By far the majority are given a slowly-evolving training program, in which as many previous mistakes as possible are corrected. Relationships in particular must be properly perceived, and all dark cornerstones of unforgiveness removed. Otherwise the old thought system still has a basis for return.

2 As the teacher of God advances in his training, he learns one lesson with increasing thoroughness. He does not make his own decisions; he asks his Teacher for His answer, and it is this he follows as his guide for action. This becomes easier and easier, as the teacher of God learns to give up his own judgment. The giving up of judgment, the obvious prerequisite for hearing God's Voice, is usually a fairly slow process, not because it is difficult, but because it is apt to be perceived as personally insulting. The world's training is directed toward achieving a goal in direct opposition to that of our curriculum. The world trains for reliance on one's judgment as the criterion for maturity and strength. Our curriculum trains for the relinquishment of judgment as the necessary condition of salvation.[or peace or joy]“ [M-9:1-2]

Judgment is attack. Innocuous judgment is still attack. Any form of attack is a reiteration of my belief in my separateness. Attack thoughts come from me and at me. They are, however, one and the same. If I can get even, then someone else can get even with me. Anger, Getting Even, Rationalization, Uneasiness, Vulnerability, Apprehension and Worry are all attack thoughts. These are all components of Fear. They are all fear-based ideas grounded in my belief of my separateness and vulnerability. Attacks coming at me are simply my thought of attack bouncing back at me. As an example: I can feel an immediate uneasiness when a highway patrol car cruises by. This is an indication (attack in the form of guilt/fear) that I am speeding or have speeded in the past and "gotten away with it.” Now, I may get caught.

Changing my mind is the only way out of fear that will ever succeed. Nothing else will work; everything else is meaningless. I have to always remember that the world I see has nothing to do with reality. However, if my “mind” is sick with fear-based thoughts, how can I expect to “think” myself into another state of mind? AA old-timers taught me that “I don’t think myself into a new way of living; I live myself into a new way of thinking. In short, I have to do something to counter the fear-based thoughts of Felix (my ego). I cannot think myself into a way to think differently. I can, however, learn to do something differently that will eventually impact my thinking.

So, when I am like Michael Z’s dog digging in the sand for negative thoughts, feelings or fears, I try to do the following:

I say to myself: "I am <angry, worried, disappointed, etc.> at/because <name, situation> but I am only reacting to a world whose meaning I created from a selective memory of my past. I am determined to really see! I am neither the victim nor the victor. I do not know what anything, including this situation, means, so I do not know how to respond to it. And I will not use my own past learning as the light to guide me.” So, I ask – “I really no longer want this; Help me to see another way of looking at this situation." Then I still my mind and listen for the message of my Spirit Guide!

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

For those of you who have asked me for guidance on how to change, I hope this helps.

Don

#1 Apr 2016

Copyright 2016

Please Don’t ‘Should’ On Me

During a Sunday service in our Saint Augustine New Thought congregation I heard a creative duo sing a great song. The lyrics were wonderful. I do not know whether they were singing an established song or wrote the lyrics themselves. I cannot remember the words, except for the refrain: “I Don’t ‘should’ on you. Please don’t ‘should’ on me.”

When I used to counsel congregants, I would often state: If I could remove two words from the English language, I would remove “should” and “ought.” Both words convey a twenty-twenty hindsight coupled with judgment and guilt. Both words bring the focus of the conversation from the present to the past as if it’s a predictor of the future. But what about NOW?

Well, NOW gets lost in the shuffle.

That’s kinda what I was going through as I reviewed my life while going through the memorabilia I had collected. I wrote a little about that last week [Msg-4-Jan-2016; Memories Of A Past That Is No Longer There]. I shared that experience in an AA meeting this week. The meeting topic was about acceptance, which was very appropriate for me. One principal story in the Big Book, is entitled “Acceptance Was The Answer” and that was quoted very often during the meeting. I have reproduced that below.

 “… After I had been around A.A. for seven months, tapering off alcohol and pills, not finding the program working very well, I was finally able to say, “Okay, God. It is true that I—of all people, strange as it may seem, and even though I didn’t give my permission—really, really am an alcoholic of sorts. And it’s all right with me. Now, what am I going to do about it?” When I stopped living in the problem and began living in the answer, the problem went away. From that moment on, I have not had a single compulsion to drink.

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation—some fact of my life —unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

“Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.” He forgot to mention that I was the chief critic. I was always able to see the flaw in every person, every situation. And I was always glad to point it out, because I knew you wanted perfection, just as I did. A.A. and acceptance have taught me that there is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us; that we are all children of God and we each have a right to be here. When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God’s handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God.” [Alcoholics Anonymous, 4^th Edition, Alcoholics Anonymous World Services Inc., 2001, pp. 416-7]]

That passage is one of the most quoted from all of AA’s stories. It is critical to my sobriety and serenity. The problem is always within me. I was taught – and now firmly believe – that I either profit materially or learn a lesson from everything I do or that happens to me. Either way it is a positive outcome. Without that thought guiding me, I quickly regress into a huge pity-pot and relish holding court from my king-baby chair as the premier critic of the universe.

Wallowing in self-pity, I am in a state of anger, resentment, and discontent. That is the exact opposite of what my spiritual progress has allowed me to glimpse: peace, joy, serenity and love.

For me it always boils down to being in my thoughts all by myself. I’m reminded of another quote common among AA old-timers: "Your mind is like a bad neighborhood - don't go in there alone."

But I still do sometimes – until the pain and discontent get too great. Then I remember – “Donnie, you’ve been in a bad neighborhood all by yourself. All about you is fear, anger, resentment, hate. Go to a meeting and talk about it.”

It always works for me.

I remember that I was taught I’m as sick as my secrets. If I feel ashamed or embarrassed about sharing in a meeting, then I’ll find someone I can confide in privately. The longer I’m active in AA, however, the less I find myself being embarrassed by being honest.

That’s why I compose and send these weekly messages to you. It allows me to simply share who I am – as I grow and as I stumble.

When I am speaking/thinking lots and lots of “should” thoughts – whether directed at myself or outwardly – I know instinctively that I am in a “bad neighborhood” and I am not happy and serene.

I get out of there as quickly as I can!

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#1 Feb 2016

Copyright 2016

Un-Asked-For Advice

I have to go out of town for a while, so there will be no message the week prior to Thanksgiving. As well, this message will be a tad early.

I was reminded at my last AA meeting, as well as from a message I received from Michael Z [thewisdomoftherooms.com], of an axiom I have come to believe in my experience: “Un-asked-for advice is always seen as criticism.” I think I believe virtually all I do and say is imbued with the highest and best loving intentions. What a fictional story it is I tell myself!

Way down deep inside I know that I offer advice because I really believe I can dispense wisdom. It sounds wonderful, when confronted by an angry, hurt, and disappointed recipient of my un-asked-for advice, to say, “I regret you were upset at my attempt to help. My intentions arose out of love.”

Baloney!

Un-asked-for advice is seen as criticism because it is a criticism.

I began seeing the true wisdom of this as I was presented with my first grandson. “What do you do around your infant grandchildren?” I asked several respected couples who had been grandparents for a long time. Their answer? “Don’t offer any suggestions or assistance until you are asked. And, if you are asked, don’t answer in terms of books or articles you’ve read – answer in terms of your personal experience (good or bad) as a parent.”

That was wonderful, ASKED-FOR advice. I haven’t been asked a lot of questions from my children about raising my grandsons. It’s hard to be quiet sometimes. I often feel like a small second-grader that knows the answer, is waving my hand and is squirming in my desk wanting to be recognized and called upon. But the teacher calls on someone else. Damn!

There are two significant pieces to the message here:

1) Asked-For Advice is a conscious call for help or assistance or guidance. It is a precious commodity. Many of us have difficulty in asking for help. We believe it is an indication of weakness and vulnerability. I believe the universe responds to us in a manner that reflects how we respond to the universe. If I give grudgingly to the universe, it will give grudgingly to me. My prosperity is like a coin: One side is giving while the other is receiving. I have always been taught to be a cheerful and generous giver. However, I have very little instruction on how to ask for help – how to receive. “Don’t hang out the family’s dirty linen for all the neighbors to see.” “Neither a borrower nor a lender be.” “If you can’t do it yourself, don’t do it.” These are the words I heard – and actions I saw – from my siblings, parents and extended family.

For me, personally, this smacked of dishonesty. If I needed help I ought to say so – not pretend all is well. I learned to ask for help when I finally hit my alcoholic bottom. That was also when I began learning how to be a human being – a journey I am still on.

2) When asked, give your advice from your own personal experience grown from issues you have wrestled with and resolved – for good or ill – that are as similar as possible to the one you are responding to. Book knowledge can teach me things, but it is not experience. We share our experience, strength and hope in 12-Step meetings. I don’t simply just share my “knowledge” of the Big Book or any other relevant reference unless it helped me through my situation, which I perceive is similar to the one asked about. If I don’t have any similar experience I say so. I offer a willing and attentive ear to help them process what they’re going through. Then I promise, respecting their anonymity and getting their okay, to enquire as to someone who may be more able to help than I.

I don’t offer advice unless asked.

I’ll talk to you after Thanksgiving. Enjoy a wonderful time of gratitude, love and acceptance.

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#2 Nov 2015

Copyright 2015