I have to go out of town for a
while, so there will be no message the week prior to Thanksgiving. As well,
this message will be a tad early.
I was reminded at my last AA
meeting, as well as from a message I received from Michael Z
[thewisdomoftherooms.com], of an axiom I have come to believe in my experience:
“Un-asked-for advice is always seen as
criticism.” I think I believe virtually all I do and say is imbued with the
highest and best loving intentions. What a fictional story it is I tell myself!
Way down deep inside I know that
I offer advice because I really believe I can dispense wisdom. It sounds
wonderful, when confronted by an angry, hurt, and disappointed recipient of my
un-asked-for advice, to say, “I regret you were upset at my attempt to help. My
intentions arose out of love.”
Baloney!
Un-asked-for advice is seen as
criticism because it is a criticism.
I began seeing the true wisdom
of this as I was presented with my first grandson. “What do you do around your
infant grandchildren?” I asked several respected couples who had been grandparents
for a long time. Their answer? “Don’t offer any suggestions or assistance until
you are asked. And, if you are asked, don’t answer in terms of books or
articles you’ve read – answer in terms of your personal experience (good or
bad) as a parent.”
That was wonderful, ASKED-FOR
advice. I haven’t been asked a lot of questions from my children about raising
my grandsons. It’s hard to be quiet sometimes. I often feel like a small
second-grader that knows the answer, is waving my hand and is squirming in my
desk wanting to be recognized and called upon. But the teacher calls on someone
else. Damn!
There are two significant pieces
to the message here:
1) Asked-For Advice is a
conscious call for help or assistance or guidance. It is a precious commodity.
Many of us have difficulty in asking for help. We believe it is an indication
of weakness and vulnerability. I believe the universe responds to us in a
manner that reflects how we respond to the universe. If I give grudgingly to
the universe, it will give grudgingly to me. My prosperity is like a coin: One side
is giving while the other is receiving. I have always been taught to be a
cheerful and generous giver. However, I have very little instruction on how to
ask for help – how to receive. “Don’t hang out the family’s dirty linen for all
the neighbors to see.” “Neither a borrower nor a lender be.” “If you can’t do
it yourself, don’t do it.” These are the words I heard – and actions I saw –
from my siblings, parents and extended family.
For me, personally, this smacked
of dishonesty. If I needed help I ought to say so – not pretend all is well. I
learned to ask for help when I finally hit my alcoholic bottom. That was also when
I began learning how to be a human being – a journey I am still on.
2) When asked, give your advice
from your own personal experience grown from issues you have wrestled with and
resolved – for good or ill – that are as similar as possible to the one you are
responding to. Book knowledge can teach
me things, but it is not experience. We share our experience, strength and
hope in 12-Step meetings. I don’t simply just share my “knowledge” of the Big
Book or any other relevant reference unless it helped me through my situation,
which I perceive is similar to the one asked about. If I don’t have any similar
experience I say so. I offer a willing and attentive ear to help them process what
they’re going through. Then I promise, respecting their anonymity and getting
their okay, to enquire as to someone who may be more able to help than I.
I don’t offer advice unless
asked.
I’ll talk to you after
Thanksgiving. Enjoy a wonderful time of gratitude, love and acceptance.
Although these messages are
mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this
message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual
journey.
Don
#2 Nov 2015
Copyright 2015
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