The World of Separateness, Death and of Being Right

Following an AA meeting several months ago, a good friend in the Program asked me to stay a bit. He told me one of the people he was currently sponsoring just went back out and resumed his drinking. He went on to tell me how difficult it was to communicate with his sponsee.

“He says he’s very spiritual and quotes Bible verses to me all the time. He says he prays to Jesus a lot in addition to reading the Bible, and so he believes he’s very spiritual. I have tried to explain to him that if he’s developed a true spirituality in the AA Program, the desire to drink will be lifted. What do I do?”

I told my friend there is a huge difference between being spiritual and being religious. Being religious is all about believing in the rituals, practices, cognitive beliefs, and the magical words of the Bible – or the Quran or the Tanakh. Because my friend regularly attends a Big Book meeting, I went on to provide my friend with an analogy.

“You’ve been to Big Book meetings before, haven’t you?”

“Yes.”

“It’s as if,” I commented, “we had a group of non-AA folks stand outside the room and observe our Big Book meeting. What would they see? They’d watch each of us read a paragraph of one of the stories of recovery in the Big Book  (Alcoholics Anonymous, AA World Service) and then go back around the table offering some comments. These watchers might go on, perhaps, and conclude: ‘Hey, we could do that. We could get some friends together and read a story and make comments on what the story talked about. That way we won’t become alcoholics.’ We both know that wouldn’t work, don’t we?”

“Right.”

“Why?”

“It’s not what we do.”

“That’s right. It’s not what we do. When we are commenting on the stories, we are not making observations about what the story-teller said. We are commenting about the similarities of our own experiences with the experiences of the writer. As each of us tell our very unique story, triggered by the story in the Big Book, we all understand that, as unique as each of our stories is, they are all the same story. We are not sharing our ideas about the words of the story-teller. We are simply sharing our unique version of the same story. All of our stories are unique, but all of our stories say the same thing.”

This is what I tried to deal with in my book, How the Bible became the Bible. We read the Bible not to intellectually dissect the words of the author – as if the words are something super-natural. We read the words of the author and find ourselves understanding the experience the author was writing about. We, too, have had that experience and, although we might express it uniquely and differently (because of our different culture, mores, values, and timeframe), it is the same story. We do not read from a letter written by the Apostle Paul to cogitate over his wording. We read one of his letters to understand the marvelous mystery that he had experienced and was now wrestling with as to how to express that reality in words. We would comment on the marvelous mysteries we’ve experienced, and usually we would find it equally difficult to express in words.

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) states that to communicate these kinds of experiences is simply beyond words. That’s why I love the introduction to the Course:

This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum. It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time. The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks [my egoic perceptions] to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.

This course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way: Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.

ACIM is a course in “undoing” and removing my ego thought-system of duality. It’s a course in mind training. Collectively, we are the Son of God, and when the Holy Spirit changes our perception, we can live in a community of love and acceptance. To live in the womb of an accepting community will transform each of us. This is what AA has done for me. A place, wherever I find a meeting, that allows me to be just as I am – honestly. It is a place where I am accepted. [Being accepted is a more meaningful synonym for love for me.]  AA’s Program is not about memorizing the words or stories of the Big Book. It is to work the Twelve Steps in absolute honesty. It is to turn my life and will over to the care of God, as I understand God, by working Steps 4-12 for the rest of my life.  Doing this, I underwent a spiritual transformation. To quote the Big Book – or to memorize and quote the Bible – is to remain in my ego thought-system of duality, sin and separateness, both from others and from God.

When I drank I was in that world of separateness and it was a world of death. When I fall back into my ego thought-system of the “rightness” of my perceived sense of reality, I fall back into that same world of death. I want, now, to be happy and peaceful, not right. Perhaps that’s why so many fundamentalist Christians (or Moslems or Jews) seem always to be so angry, resentful, irritated and frustrated.

As I’ve stated before, “I have to understand, on a visceral level, who the “Me” or “I” really is when I am speaking or thinking. The “I” that says to myself, “I really need a newer, more reliable car” is a different “I” than the one that says to my Holy Spirit, “I can’t do this anymore; help me perceive things the way You see them.”

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening to me and getting to know me – warts and all. As always, feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#2 Jul 2016

Copyright 2016

ACIM, AA and Easter – Part 3

Happy Easter to everyone. – for real this time.

We celebrate Easter this weekend. On Good Friday, this same weekend in 1987, is when I had my last drink of alcohol – April 17, 1987. Not only did my alcoholic self begin to die that weekend, my resurrected Self began its journey to emerge in my life. So I am living proof of the resurrection. I want to share a portion of my spiritual rebirth as I recounted it in my book - How the Bible became the Bible [Infinity Publishing, 2006 ISBN: 978-0-7414-2993-3]:

“I was able to intellectually understand what The [AA] Program was all about, but I didn’t comprehend the magnitude of the changes in store for me. I wanted to get through the Twelve Steps in a month. Why not? The old-timers would nod and smile that little knowing smile and say, “Stick around. Let us love you until you learn how to love yourself.” “Sure,” I’d reply, without having a clue as to what they were saying. But I stayed around and for some strange reason continued doing what I was told.

“For over forty years I had fought against the notion of being “normal,” and instead of swimming upstream with leaden arms, I was now allowing myself to float on my back and be carried along by the current. I had hope again. I had life again. I had a tomorrow again. It was absolutely wonderful!

“I immersed myself in AA for the next nineteen months, going to about five meetings a week. I read the Big Book. I listened. I talked. I made coffee at meetings. I helped with picnics. I stacked chairs. I helped people move. I did whatever it was suggested I do, because I was deathly afraid of NOT changing.

“In the Big Book are words to the effect that the same person will drink again. I didn’t want that happening to me. If I didn’t undergo some fundamental changes in my makeup, if I remained the same person, then my sobriety wouldn’t last. I began to understand how to say, “I’m sorry.” I began to understand that it’s okay to say, “I don’t know” or “How’d you do that?” or “How’d you know that?” I began to understand that it’s really a relief not to feel that I had to either baffle with bullshit or dazzle with brilliance.

“Before I had gotten sober I would get an unmistakable knot in my stomach every afternoon around four o’clock. I know now it was an early withdrawal symptom. By the time I’d get home the knot would’ve turned into a real pain. A shot of vodka would make it disappear—just melt it away. After I stopped drinking the knot continued to appear every afternoon, right on schedule. But I was going to AA after work, not home for a vodka. I began noticing, however, that when I simply touched the doorknob to the church basement where the AA meeting was held, my knot began dissolving. This was a physiological phenomenon that I could not ignore but could not explain. As I talked about it, old-timers just smiled.

“It also was stated in the Big Book that the only thing that could prevent one’s recovery was an inability to be honest—with others and with yourself. I became so honest it was ridiculous. I made Abe Lincoln look like a con artist. If I found a quarter on the sidewalk, I’d give it to a homeless person rather than put it in my pocket, because it wasn’t mine. If a lane was closed one mile ahead (according to the roadwork sign), I’d merge to the appropriate lane as soon as I saw the sign. No more trying to sneak past the honest schmucks who were slowing down. I’d put money in the tollbooth even if no one was on duty.

“AA’s Serenity Prayer (attributed to one of the Niebuhr brothers—theologian Reinhold or church historian Richard) goes like this: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.” I learned I couldn’t control people, places, or things. All I could control (sometimes) was my attitude. When I changed my attitude and became truly centered—knowing that my purpose in life was to help another alcoholic—my whole physical world changed. Problems with my car got “better.” Bosses seemed to actually listen. Illnesses began to clear up. Relationship problems seemed to take care of themselves. Financial problems were not the end of the world—they simply came, had to be dealt with, and then went. To me, it’s always been a miracle. Change what I can—my attitude and outlook—and my world changes. I don’t know how to manipulate it. I cannot predict it. All I can do is accept it, thoroughly relish it when it occurs, and thank God (as I understand God) for it.

“This sense of reality and miracle is what I imagine was occurring in these small Jesus Movement groups and Christ Congregations. If I find it difficult and frustrating to communicate to you what happens when I change my attitude, then I can surely imagine the frustration and difficulty that occurred in the decades after Jesus died.

“Yes, I had hope again. I had life again. I had a tomorrow again. It was absolutely wonderful! I became a member of the human race again—an actual fallible, frail, feeling, forgetful, forgiving, fearful, frenzied, frolicking human being. It became clear as well, very quickly, that I didn’t know how to be that. I’m still learning, but that’s another story.” (Pages 183-185)

As I stated at the beginning of this message, I am living proof of the reality of the resurrection.

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#4 Mar 2016

Copyright 2016

Stop, Be Willing, And Listen

From my friend in Alcoholics Anonymous, who writes a weekly communication called “Wisdom of the Rooms” [michaelz@thewisdomoftherooms.com], who wrote a message entitled: "Directions to recovery: Just go straight to hell and make a U-turn."

“During the final dark months and days of my drinking and using, one by one, I abandoned my self-respect, my self-care, and ultimately the light of my spirit.... In a desperate moment a part of me reached out for help, and I made the u-turn that led me to recovery.

“The miracle that I found in recovery is the miracle that awaits us all - no matter how far down we have fallen, no matter the state of perdition or the depths of hell into which we have descended, we will recover if we are willing to work the steps. And when we do, we will find that the very experience that nearly took our lives enables us, over time, to help and save another. This is the enduring miracle that is available to all who keep coming back.”

The message – in both AA and A Course in Miracles (ACIM) – is  “Do the daily work.” There is no “sin” I’m doing nor “bad” things I’m doing. There is only error and these errors come from my belief in my perceptions and the subsequent actions I erroneously take.

So, how do I change my perceptions? The simple answer – and the blessing – is that I don’t do the changing. In fact, in and of myself, I can’t. Felix (my ego) is incapable of changing how he looks at the world. If he did, he might disappear. That’s the fear Felix has of a change of perception.

What I can do is acknowledge that I am not in a state of peacefulness or calm, or serenity.

Old-timers in AA have taught me that my state of serenity is directly proportional to the state of my spirituality. Early in my recovery my most significant error was that I wanted the result of ten years of sobriety to occur in 10 weeks.  However, by simply doing the daily work, I found my compulsion to drink had disappeared. From feedback after a meeting I found my honest sharing was actually helping someone. I was getting better. I was being healed. I hadn’t done anything other than the “doing” of my daily work as directed by my sponsor and AA’s 12-Step Program. During that process of daily work, my Higher Power was healing me through the acceptance, understanding and love expressed through the members present with me in those church basements.

ACIM says the same thing – stop and just be willing. In Chapter 30 it tells me I can (a) decide I do not like what I feel now. (b) Having decided that I do not like the way I feel, what could be easier than to continue with: ”And so I hope I have been wrong.” And (c) This tiny grain of wisdom will suffice to take you further. You are not coerced, but merely hope to get a thing you want. And you can say in perfect honesty: “I want another way to look at this.” [Excerpted from Chapter 30 (The New Beginning) Section 1 (Rules for Decision)]

In short, I can say to myself: “I don’t want to feel this way anymore today – help me see this differently.” How do I do that? By doing the lessons in the Workbook for Students. I’m far from perfect in working them, but I try. So what I end up doing is telling myself something like this:

"I am <angry, worried, disappointed, etc.> at/because <name, situation> but I am only reacting to a world whose meaning I created from my perceptions of selective memories of my past. I am determined to really see with spiritual vision! I am neither the victim nor the victor. I do not know what anything, including this situation, means, so I do not know how to respond to it. And I will not use my own past learning as the light to guide me.”

So, instead, I ask – “I really no longer want this; Help me to see another way of looking at this situation." Then I still my mind and listen for the message of the Holy Spirit – my Spirit Guide. This “stilling” of my mind still remains the most difficult thing for me to do. But I try. I am still willing.

For me, then, there are three steps in this process of asking for another way of seeing events or people – in short, the process of Forgiveness:

1.     I forgive the images my perceptions have allowed me to project onto others, and I forgive the people/events in these images;

2.     I forgive myself for making these projections based on my perceptions;

3.     I ask the Holy Spirit to help me see another way of looking at this situation/person – and then I still my mind and listen for the Holy Spirit's whispers.

I must always remember: Step 3 is not my job. It just happens! Just like the removal of my compulsion to drink just happened. Doing it daily.

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#2 Feb 2016

Copyright 2016

Un-Asked-For Advice

I have to go out of town for a while, so there will be no message the week prior to Thanksgiving. As well, this message will be a tad early.

I was reminded at my last AA meeting, as well as from a message I received from Michael Z [thewisdomoftherooms.com], of an axiom I have come to believe in my experience: “Un-asked-for advice is always seen as criticism.” I think I believe virtually all I do and say is imbued with the highest and best loving intentions. What a fictional story it is I tell myself!

Way down deep inside I know that I offer advice because I really believe I can dispense wisdom. It sounds wonderful, when confronted by an angry, hurt, and disappointed recipient of my un-asked-for advice, to say, “I regret you were upset at my attempt to help. My intentions arose out of love.”

Baloney!

Un-asked-for advice is seen as criticism because it is a criticism.

I began seeing the true wisdom of this as I was presented with my first grandson. “What do you do around your infant grandchildren?” I asked several respected couples who had been grandparents for a long time. Their answer? “Don’t offer any suggestions or assistance until you are asked. And, if you are asked, don’t answer in terms of books or articles you’ve read – answer in terms of your personal experience (good or bad) as a parent.”

That was wonderful, ASKED-FOR advice. I haven’t been asked a lot of questions from my children about raising my grandsons. It’s hard to be quiet sometimes. I often feel like a small second-grader that knows the answer, is waving my hand and is squirming in my desk wanting to be recognized and called upon. But the teacher calls on someone else. Damn!

There are two significant pieces to the message here:

1) Asked-For Advice is a conscious call for help or assistance or guidance. It is a precious commodity. Many of us have difficulty in asking for help. We believe it is an indication of weakness and vulnerability. I believe the universe responds to us in a manner that reflects how we respond to the universe. If I give grudgingly to the universe, it will give grudgingly to me. My prosperity is like a coin: One side is giving while the other is receiving. I have always been taught to be a cheerful and generous giver. However, I have very little instruction on how to ask for help – how to receive. “Don’t hang out the family’s dirty linen for all the neighbors to see.” “Neither a borrower nor a lender be.” “If you can’t do it yourself, don’t do it.” These are the words I heard – and actions I saw – from my siblings, parents and extended family.

For me, personally, this smacked of dishonesty. If I needed help I ought to say so – not pretend all is well. I learned to ask for help when I finally hit my alcoholic bottom. That was also when I began learning how to be a human being – a journey I am still on.

2) When asked, give your advice from your own personal experience grown from issues you have wrestled with and resolved – for good or ill – that are as similar as possible to the one you are responding to. Book knowledge can teach me things, but it is not experience. We share our experience, strength and hope in 12-Step meetings. I don’t simply just share my “knowledge” of the Big Book or any other relevant reference unless it helped me through my situation, which I perceive is similar to the one asked about. If I don’t have any similar experience I say so. I offer a willing and attentive ear to help them process what they’re going through. Then I promise, respecting their anonymity and getting their okay, to enquire as to someone who may be more able to help than I.

I don’t offer advice unless asked.

I’ll talk to you after Thanksgiving. Enjoy a wonderful time of gratitude, love and acceptance.

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#2 Nov 2015

Copyright 2015