At a recent AA meeting I shared
about how I refer to my lower mind as Felix. As I described Felix and his
temper tantrums, his dismal outlook on life, his black-or-white or win-or-lose
approach to living, the chorus of voices in my head that can comprise his
presence, his belief in lack, and his perception that all my problems are “out
there,” I received a lot of laughs. People were not laughing at me, however. They
were laughing with me because they recognized the same chatter in themselves. I
felt accepted, which is always a good feeling for me, given my struggle with
toxic shame. I had shared some rather intimate details about who I am and their
laughter confirmed that I was not mad or crazy – I was a rather normal
alcoholic. I have come to believe that each of us is addicted to something (drugs,
gambling, shopping, helping others (whether they need it or not), religion, the
“stories” about ourselves we have constructed through our selectively remembered
past) that helps insulate us from ourselves and keep our problems “out there.”
I believe I am rather normal – period.
Several went on to share about their
version of a “lower mind,” including their relationship to their Inner Child.
It got me to thinking about my experiences getting to know my Inner Child and
my description of Felix and Little Donnie, or my lower and higher mind, or A
Course in Miracles’ (ACIM’s) use of the terms ego and higher self. Are these “titles”
consistent? At odds? Confusing? Clarifying?
After discussing this with a
men’s group I attend I have come to terms with the fact that both my Felix and
Little Donnie are of my ego. However, Little Donnie is open to the whispers of
the Holy Spirit and is more active in seeking His voice. Often, now, I will
find myself in the middle of an argument and will actually pause my mind for a
while asking, “I need a little help here.”
In light of Freud’s Id, Ego and
Super-Ego, our contemporary language of psychoanalysis, based on the book “I’m Okay, You’re Okay, now uses the
terms Child, Adult and Parent. Thinking of my egoic self as two parts, Felix
and Little Donnie, Felix consists of Child-Felix and Parent-Felix and Little
Donnie consists of Child-Donnie and Parent-Donnie. I see inside myself the part
of me that is Child-Ish, as well as the part that is Child-Like. Jesus’ guidance
to become as a little child refers to being child-like not childish. Inside me,
however, it often doesn’t take much to flip my child-likeness into
childishness.
My Child-Felix is a childish, fearful,
aggressive, hostile, self-centered, temper-tantrum-prone little boy. For him
it’s a “my way or the highway” pattern of behavior. He perceives people and
events in terms of self-gratification and of black or white with little shades
of gray. He has internalized many of Parent-Felix’s beliefs and principles –
but with the perception and implementation of a little child. He is deathly
afraid of embarrassing Parent-Felix.
My Parent-Felix is overly strict
and unforgiving. He religiously follows adherence to his rules, He operates on
the premise that good behavior is equal to being a good person (which means
obeying him). He is convinced Child-Felix is an extension of himself. He controls
the Child-Felix by withholding love or bestowing gifts/treats, by punishing or
rewarding, and by being overly critical while being exceptionally sensitive to
criticism. Parent-Felix is not a joy to be around.
These two rigid facets make up
my Felix – my lower mind. They are very entrenched in my make-up. They
compliment one another. They reinforce one another. Yet, most often, they seem
to be at war with one another.
My Child-Donnie is what I came
to know in AA as my precious little boy. I wrote about him in my book, though I
didn’t have the insight I have now. Child-Donnie is my child-like source of
creativity, my memories, curiosity, joy, love, acceptance, delight, and Life-In-The-Now.
My Child-Donnie is like a little dog: lovable, impish, easily satisfied, reasonably
undemanding, and ever curious.
My Parent-Donnie is honest,
open, and willing (AA’s HOW), unbelievably grateful for my sobriety and for the
knowledge and acceptance he found in AA and in ACIM. He wants to fully nurture
Child-Donnie, although he sometimes doesn’t know how to do that. He is the
source of really wanting to see events and people with compassion. He is the
portal through which the Holy Spirit can whisper and he is the ear through
which he hears Him.
Child-Donnie and Parent-Donnie,
make up the part of me I call Little Donnie, or my higher mind. The more I define
myself in terms of Little Donnie the more angry and fearful Felix becomes.
Felix will charge out of the gate, as does a thoroughbred racehorse at the
sound of the bell.
If any of this description of
how I see myself resonates with you, find something that meaningfully speaks to
your Child-or-Parent-Donnie and learn, follow, and practice nurturing them as
the most significant thing you can do. It has been a wonderful (though often
humbling and painful) experience to become able to identify what part of myself
I am dealing with – Felix or Little Donnie. It has truly opened a big, wide door
to recognize who is my egoic “I,” whether it’s Felix or Little Donnie. Having
recognized it, I can release my attention to it and relax as I wait for
guidance. Enjoy your journey!
Although these messages are
mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this
message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual
journey.
Don
#3 September 2014
Copyright, 2014
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