Saturday, November 1, 2014

Thunder Is Simply God Chuckling At My Plans

While I was away I came face-to-face with some of the projections I have been making. It was a real wake-up call for me. Although I can learn and believe in certain intellectual principles, there is nothing that drives those truths home like experiencing them in real life. That is what happened to me over the last several weeks.
My wife has a few fears that seem to drive her – and drive me crazy at the same time. I was vaguely aware that I shared a little of some of these fears, but not to the degree she did. Whew!
But I was wrong – very wrong – and what happened on our trip exposed that.
We argued and “enjoyed” quite a little spat. After the spat had run its course, I was still upset and angry. Remembering ACIM’s pronouncement (“You are never upset for the reason you think”), I tried to focus on what I was really angry about. I realized that a lot of what was going on inside me was a certain amount of blame I was placing on her. Why? For revealing – full-blown inside me – the identical fear that terrified her and that I had thought I didn’t have much of. Well, I can tell you I didn’t like that conclusion at all. “But, obviously, it was all her fault,” I weakly consoled myself.
What an idiotic rationalization!
Yet there it was and – actually – I finally understood it WAS all Felix’s fault. But this time, it wasn’t a rationalization. It was the Truth. My ego (Felix) was out in full force and I had been dutifully following along, saying: “Yes, Felix” and “I’m right here, Felix” and “Okay, Felix.”
I guess the good news is that for me to begin to change requires me to begin to acknowledge and understand when I’m wrapped up in the same old behavior pattern again. The earlier I can recognize this, the earlier I can make different decisions. After doing some of AA’s Fourth Step work on myself, I recognized what was truly going on. I recognized that the projections of my fears on her were simply coming back to bite me. I was seeing the “me” I didn’t want to look at. I was merely seeing myself as I looked at her, and I didn’t like what I saw. This is exactly what A Course In Miracles (ACIM) states: “You think you hold against your brother what he has done to you. But what you really blame him for is what YOU did to HIM. It is not his past but yours you hold against him.” [ACIM: T-17-VII, 8, 1-3]
That is the real meaning of the first of the Three R’s: Recognize; Release; Relax. [I discussed this earlier Msg-4-Aug-2014; The Power Of The 3 R’s]. However, as I was perusing my previous messages to find the correct reference to my discussion of The Three R’s, I also realized how angry I have been over the last couple of months. What has been going on? I recalled some similar experiences I’ve had as I was getting sober.  All these earlier experiences had followed the same pattern: Turmoil; Recognition; Growth.
Is that what has been happening to me?
I think so. My growth has always followed pain.
There is a statement old-timers in AA say: “God can't give you anything new until you let go of the old.” So – how do I know what “the old” is? How do I let go of “the old?“
I remember one particular incident when I thought (through Sixth and Seventh Step work) I had identified the character defects I wanted the God of my understanding to remove. Although I was praying for Him to do that, it simply wasn’t happening. I was frustrated. My sponsor kept telling me to let God decide what character defects I had to have removed. The ones I had decided to let go weren’t the real defects I had to have removed. The ones God was focusing on were already being removed – my trust in my intellect; my trust in my ability to express ideas; my trust in my ability to comprehend what I needed to hear from the experience, strength and hope of others. God was removing my defect of trusting, well, ME. How humbling was that?
I can no longer trust my intellect to decide what it is I need to let go, what I need to replace it with, or how I need God to “fix” me. If I can simply focus my mind on being unfocused – just for a little bit – and throw in a dash of willingness to see things differently, God will do the rest. He will work the miracle. In short, I am at my worst when I believe I know what’s best for me. Sometimes I think thunder is simply God chuckling at the plans I’ve made for Him to execute.
Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.
#1 November 2014

Copyright, 2014

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