Saturday, January 31, 2015

Most Difficult – Letting a Dream Die

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) describes the life we think we are living as a dream. In short, my life consists of illusionary images I have created. Yes, some of these images/illusions are shared with yours. We learned them together. Other religions/philosophies refer to these shared images as race (as in human race) consciousness. Carl Jung referred to this same phenomenon as The Collective Unconsciousness. Regardless, ACIM states what we think we think determines what we see. If we think “dangerous” thoughts, we will see dangerous things lurking about.
Fundamental to understanding what the Course is talking about is the fact that what we see is quite directly caused by what is in our mind. The commonsense idea of perception is that something outside causes an impression, through my senses, on my mind. The reality is the reverse, according to the Course. The thoughts of my mind are projected outward and cause my perceptions.  ‘Projection makes perception,’ says [ACIM].” Allen Watson, A Workbook Companion, Vol. 1, Circle Publishing, 2005, p. 85.
The Course also states that it’s common to think that, to change our mind and our perception to see a more Christ-like vision of the world and its people, we have to somehow sacrifice something of ours – our self-image, our wealth, our physical safety. The Course emphatically declares that it doesn’t recognize (much less believe in) sacrifice. All that happens to us, when we “get it,” is our illusionary world is replaced with true spiritual vision.
Since what we think we see doesn’t really exist and is not truly real, how can there be any loss when we give that up? This is a tough nut – but it’s true for me. I’ve experienced this.
My personal experience (rather than money or safety) is that to give up a dream or a vision or a hope or anything like that is the most difficult reality I have had to “sacrifice.” To illustrate, I want to tell you my story of giving up a critical vision I held of me.
In the early 1980s, I bought a 1972 white Mercedes 250. It was a great deal. I bought it from an executive in the company where I was a Program Manager. [I later found out that the “good deal” was because he was having an affair with my wife.] Regardless, the car was perfect for my pretentious lifestyle. I was starting to really drink heavily on a daily basis. My life was beginning to fall apart – my marriage as well as my relationship with my children. However, if I could maintain my to-the-world appearance, I felt okay.  Soon I was a single parent who had both of his children living with me, which was very unusual at the time. I was proud of that. Working in a high stress field, owning a condo in an upscale suburb of Washington, DC, having custody of my children, and driving a Mercedes (which I had nicknamed Mother White) all fit this pretend image I was trying to project and maintain.
The kids and I tried to change its oil and filter one holiday weekend. I thought it was all well and good. One of the children drove it to see a movie and the engine froze – all the oil has leaked out. It was a disaster. Mother White had died. It was going to cost almost what I had paid for the car to have the engine replaced. I didn’t have that kind of money and all my credit was used up.
I borrowed an early 1970s Toyota station wagon from the family of friends of my son’s. It was a tri-color: Dark gray, light gray, and rust. But it ran well and was very serviceable. I called it my Gray Goose. I let the Mercedes sit in the parking lot, hoping for the day I could have it restored. It was during this time I got sober and began working the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
The Condo Association was asking me to either remove it or get it fixed. I talked with my sponsor and he told me to sell it. I balked. Giving up that car was to give up on my dream, my pretense, my image of self-importance and success. I kept hoping to be able to restore it, and with it, return to my former glory. That day never came.
I finally made arrangements to buy the Gray Goose.
The day that did come however, was the day I truly understood why the Program stressed honesty so much. In meetings I began to share much of what I’m writing right now. It was humiliating and humbling. I had Mother White – a symbol of my perceived success – and I couldn’t afford to keep it; I couldn’t afford to repair it; I couldn’t afford to let it go.
I was stuck. Stymied. Frozen.
Women in the Program I had dated a little said they actually liked the Gray Goose. My sponsor kept telling me this was a real test of my desire to live a sober happy life. I remained stuck, stymied, frozen. I just couldn’t give up on the dream I had nurtured for so long.
But I finally got sick and tired of being stuck, stymied, frozen. So I placed an ad – honest about the engine – and it sold. Quickly. It was still a great deal – if you were financially responsible, which I had not been, and could act quickly, which the first responder to the ad did.
I was relieved that the ordeal was over – but remained saddened that the pretense was gone. Until ….
Nobody seemed to notice! No one laughed at me at work. No one jeered at me on the freeway. None of the parents of my daughter’s college friends seemed to mind. No one! Damn!
I had been honest – really honest – with both myself and others. I gave up that pretense – that illusionary vision – and what did I lose? Nothing! What did I find? I was happy, joyous, and free! No more lies. No more shame. I was really, really just plain old me –and still accepted at meetings, still respected at work, still …. What a sense of relief.
But I keep forgetting that experience. That’s another story.
Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.
Don
#1 February 2015

Copyright, 2015

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Thoughts Are Things

I love this beautiful quote from Mahatma Gandhi: “Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your – destiny.”
Working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I began reclaiming my life by simply reversing this beautiful thought from Gandhi. I didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t even think about it. The life I had created for myself had taken me to the absolute rock-bottom. It had almost financially ruined my future. It had almost ruined my career. It had definitely destroyed my children’s trust in me. It had destroyed my faith and confidence. It had bolstered my toxic shame.  I was virtually dead inside.
As my life began to improve in sobriety, my thoughts had already changed. My habits began to change automatically – by not drinking alcohol and working the program. Different things were important to me now and my actions and priorities reflected that. I thought differently. I spoke differently. I was focused on different things. I was no longer the “old me.” I didn’t quite understand who the “new me” was, but I knew it wasn’t the “old me.” My life had absolutely turned completely around – which is the literal meaning of experiencing a conversion.
The first few lessons from the Workbook in a Course in Miracles (ACIM) have focused on the thoughts I think and the effect they cause. The Lessons are trying to reinforce that my thoughts cause my perception – not the other way around, which is how Felix (my ego) wants be to believe. Felix sees something “out there” happen and it causes me to react or behave in such-and-such a manner. It is just the opposite according to ACIM. I “think” my thoughts and then “see” the “out there” event. The two things – thought and sight – are virtually simultaneous. What I “see” with my eyes is what I have already “thought.” Throughout ACIM physical sight is sharply contrasted with spiritual vision.
Unity Churches and Science of Mind congregations are places where I first heard the phrase “Thoughts Are Things.” In short, how you think – the thoughts you harbor, fear or hold dear – determine what it is you will see in the ego’s world.  This echoes the message of ACIM. It also echoes advances that are being made in the arena of noetics (consciousness and spirituality). Noetic Science, according to the Institute of Noetic Sciences, is the study of “…how beliefs, thoughts and intentions affect the physical world.” (www.noetic.org)
Dan Brown’s newest novel, The Lost Symbol (Doubleday, 2009) is a story that swirls around and through the field of noetics. It’s as fascinating a read as was his previous novel, “The Da Vinci Code.” The protagonist understands the theory of noetics, and, perhaps, the reality of spirituality, but cannot bring himself to really believe in what it is saying.  “…Professor,” the old man said, “I realize that you, like many educated people, live trapped between worlds – one foot in the spiritual, one foot in the physical. Your heart yearns to believe…but your intellect refuses to permit it.  As an academic, you would be wise to learn from the great minds of history…. If I’m remembering correctly, one of the greatest minds ever to live proclaimed: ‘That which is impenetrable to us really exists. Behind the secrets of nature remains something subtle, intangible, and inexplicable. Veneration for this force beyond anything that we can comprehend is my religion.’”
“Who said that? …  Gandhi?”
“No, … Albert Einstein.” (p, 308)
Deepak Chopra has talked about the existence of holographic phenomena, which allows for small particles to contain the whole of which they are only a part. Gregg Braden has talked about the instant communication that seems to exist between objects at the sub-atomic level. He doesn’t know how it happens – but it does! Masaru Emoto (a Japanese scientist) has conducted tests that proved human thought and intentions could (and did!) change the crystals of water as it froze – whether in test tubes, in lakes, or in rivers.
Our thoughts influence what it is we “think” we see. ACIM says that our thoughts determine what we see. If I change my thoughts I change my world. Felix looks at the world “out there” trying to find support for his belief that he is “special.” He doesn’t find it and gets angry. This anger colors all his perception, and he concludes (on a subconscious level): “I’m angry at the world I see because it doesn’t reflect my desire for specialness.” What he sees he interprets as attacks / disappointments / resentments coming at him from the world. He retaliates, justifies his fear/anger and defends himself. This is Felix’s world. It is not filled with peace, acceptance and serenity.
I no longer want to see my world in this way. Friends from Saint Augustine who moved to Charlotte NC about this time we moved to East Tennessee shared this idea with me: We have moved from Homo Erectus to Homo Sapiens. Now we are moving from Homo Sapiens to Homo Noeticus.
I believe humankind is moving in that direction. The highly motivated hate-fear reactions to that movement – from those whose power, money and prestige are rooted in maintaining a sense of fearfulness – underscore the reality of it.
Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.
Don
#4 January 2015
Copyright, 2015

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Allowing My Perception To Be Changed

Several readers inquired (using different words but asking the same question): “When I’m upset or experiencing the ‘internal unmanageability’ you talked about last week [Msg-2-Jan-2015, Internal and External Unmanageability], how can I get God to help me when my mind is going 90 miles per hour?”
Another honest question. Thank you.
Short answer? You don’t “get“ God to change your mind. You allow it to happen.
There is a passage in A Course In Miracles (ACIM) that jumped out at me when I first read it. It reaffirmed why I had been finding the Course so compelling and why it had been resonating with me.  That passage is in Chapter 14 of the Text:
“…When your peace is threatened or disturbed in any way, say to yourself:
I do not know what anything, including this, means. And so I do not know how to respond to it. And I will not use my own past learning as the light to guide me now.
By this refusal to attempt to teach yourself what you do not know, the Guide Whom God has given you will speak to you. He will take His rightful place in your awareness the instant you abandon it, and offer it to Him.” (T-14,XI.6:6-11)
I have experienced that exact truth. I didn’t know it at the time, but I have had that happen to me many times. As an active Presbyterian minister I was a volunteer chaplain for the local district of the State Police. They would call and I would go with an officer to tell someone their loved one had been killed in a traffic accident. Not a pleasant situation. After we had knocked on the door and were waiting for a response, I would silently say: “Lord, I don’t know who these people are nor what to say. But I’m here. When they open the door and I open my mouth, fill my vocal chords with Your words.” (This was not a little trick ritual of mine. I really meant it.) Time after time, He did just that. I would say things to them that resonated and comforted them and I had no idea where those thoughts came from. I would acknowledge that experience with a silent prayer of “Thank You” after we got back in the cruiser to leave.
The day I began my journey to sobriety I had said to my empty kitchen, “I can’t do this anymore!” (Again, no trick ritual. I really meant it. Often I had said to someone “I need help,” or “I can’t do this alone.” But in my mind I’m silently also saying, “But, if you don’t help me I’ll do it myself.”) The minute I had that I-can’t-do-it thought, I knew who to call and where their telephone number was in the paper jungle that was my desk. I found their number, made the call, they were home, and they offered to help. This was at a time when I couldn’t remember where anything was or what I was to do next (other than take another drink). Yet, with exceptional clarity, I knew how to reach this person. To me that seemed a miracle because it WAS a miracle.
He will take His rightful place in your awareness the instant you abandon it, and offer it [your awareness] to Him.”
Many members of Alcoholics Anonymous call this process surrender or hitting bottom. But it cannot be a contrived episode. It must be genuine. I cannot conjure this all up at the drop of a hat. I have to be honestly trying to stop controlling my life or the outcome of a situation. AA’s Step One: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.” Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Step Three: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” Old timers have summarized these three critical steps in this way:  I Can’t. He can. I think I’ll let Him.  That’s the spirit I’m referring to when I say the request to see things differently – to abandon my desire to control my life – must be made in an honest request for help.
Also, this is not a “one and done” kind of thing. I have done Step Three by working my Program and Steps Four through Twelve for over 25 years.
As I stated last week: “I am discovering that I cannot will myself to get out of myself….
“What I can do is stop my thoughts in their tracks. I do that by going into a quiet place inside me where I am calm, peaceful and totally spirit. Sometimes I can’t get there. But more often than not the attempt, itself, is enough to break the cycle [of my unmanageable thoughts]. There, with my quiet Self, I am in a position to listen for the whispers of my Holy Spirit. I am in a position to begin perceiving His vision of Now and using it to see my situation rather than relying on my egoic sight to help me out. Sometime it works better than other times. But it’s a tool – a process – that is mine for the taking. It allows me to begin being honest with myself. It allows me to begin being honest with others.
“Being honest with myself and others and being willing to see things differently are the keys to my emotional stability and serenity. [This is the peacefulness I so fervently desire.]
I am reminded that I am not a body nor am I my egoic “Felix” thoughts. I am more than that. I am an already-loved eternal spirit currently living a human existence, which is akin to dreaming a dream. Going into my quiet place allows me to begin to awake.”
Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.
Don
#3 January 2015

Copyright, 2015

Friday, January 9, 2015

Internal and External Unmanageability

Step One of Alcoholics Anonymous states: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.” Most of us, including me, seemed to interpret that step as acknowledgement of the external messes we had made of our lives. That certainly was the case with me. My life was a mess – filled with unpaid bills, being emotionally absent in personal commitments – especially with my children, cars that were poorly maintained – if maintained at all. In short, my external life was a mess waiting for a disaster to strike.
That aspect of my unmanageability was cleared up. In fact, most of it was cleared up within a year of not drinking alcohol and working the steps.
But there is another kind of unmanageability – an internal hotbed of chaos.  For some it is the inability to control one’s emotions. For some it’s the inability to control finances. For some it’s the inability to control the need for instant gratification. For some it’s the inability to control the need to gossip and criticize others. For some it’s the inability to get up off a pity-pot.  For some it’s a combination of several of these. They will morph from one to another.
Emotions and thoughts! Judgments and expectations! How unmanageable can these be?
Very!
At least they are for me – and they can make my life seem miserable. They can destroy my peace of mind. Felix (my lower ego), of course, has a ball playing with these thoughts and emotions. He loves the unmanageability. It seems to him to allow him to stay in control, because I have abdicated to him. Felix gladly accepts the challenge and attempts to “fix” the issue by doing more of the issue.  For example:
·      Can’t control instant gratification? Just adopt a budget, fail to achieve it, and go shopping to “fix” the bad feelings you have for yourself!
·      Can’t control emotions? Just pout until you explode or just yell, scream, shout and slam the door – that’ll “fix” them!
·      Can’t control your calorie intake? Starve and deny yourself until you just can’t take it any more – then go and bake a cake, while eating the whole can of icing you bought with the cake mix. When you realize what you’ve done, that’s the time to get on your pity-pot, or go shopping, or yell at your spouse.
·      Can’t keep from gossiping? Just get more involved with someone else until their “issues” become more than you can bear – but what a treasure trove of material you now have first-hand to talk about – for weeks!
All these efforts are simply attempts to “fix” an illusionary perception I have by trying to “fix” the person on whom I have foisted that perception. It’s never really worked for me. But I’ll continue to try because, at least temporarily, I have removed the focus off myself – which, of course, is where my problem is.
I had a friend in AA called Tommy who was about 6 months sober when I came into the program. He was diagnosed with cancer shortly after he began his recovery. He died within a year of my beginning. He used to always begin to share in a meeting by saying: “Hi everyone. I’m Tommy and I’m and alcoholic. I’m also addicted to everyone and everything that will keep me from looking at me.”
I am discovering that I cannot will myself to get out of myself. I cannot rely on neat little yellow “stickies” stuck on every imaginable surface and containing great little sayings to truly get my thoughts where they belong.
What I can do is stop my thoughts in their tracks. I do that by going into a quiet place inside me where I am calm, peaceful and totally spirit. Sometimes I can’t get there. But more often than not the attempt, itself, is enough to break the cycle. There, with my quiet Self, I am in a position to listen for the whispers of my Holy Spirit. I am in a position to begin perceiving His vision of Now and using it to see my situation rather than relying on my egoic sight to help me out. Sometime it works better than other times. But it’s a tool – a process – that is mine for the taking. It allows me to begin being honest with myself. It allows me to begin being honest with others.
Being honest with myself and others and being willing to see things differently are the keys to my emotional stability and serenity.
I am reminded that I am not a body nor am I my egoic “Felix” thoughts. I am more than that. I am an already-love eternal spirit currently living a human existence, which is akin to dreaming a dream. Going into my quiet place allows me to begin to awake.
Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.
Don
#2 January 2015

Copyright, 2015