How Do I Know I Know Grace?

I’ve had a lot of responses to my several messages about the tension between my personal growth, while on my solitary spiritual path, and living my life within combinations of group or pluralistic settings, which is where I personally receive my spiritual sustenance. Comments like:

• ·      “Can’t I just go out and sit in the woods where I feel at one with Nature?”
• ·      “I get this feeling of the Truth of the Spirit while I’m in church on Sunday – the services are always so uplifting.”
• ·      Or my 98-year old aunt who went to a church where the only music was a cappella congregational singing: “It wasn’t a real church service, Donnie. There was no music. Church without music isn’t church.”

I think people are looking for a spiritual experience - positive, familiar, uplifting – and they associate those feelings with the concepts of Salvation and Grace.

Some things I just know. And I know I know. How? I just do. It’s the difference between the two Greek words for “know.” One is oida, as in Mary “knows” arithmetic. The other is ginosko (from which we get gnosis), as in Mary “knows” me.

Gnosis: It’s not a rational knowing. It’s a visceral knowledge. I know (oida) I’m trying to discuss what I cannot explain and it’s hard. I’m trying to put into words a Truth I have experienced and a Reality that has transformed me. But, for me, this Truth is the essence of Grace.

Many comments I received described how religious or church experiences are the “spiritual community” of choice. I truly understand where these subscribers are coming from and I am also very wary of the “emotions of apparent grace” that many were trying to describe: feelings of euphoria; feelings of confidence; assurance from their “knowing” (oida) the truth of the Pauline Gospel – Jesus died for me, I believe in Him as my Lord, I have nothing to fear for I am saved from eternal damnation.

Underneath this discussion is the tension between Love (Grace) and Fear (Egoistic Thinking).

Let me explain.

My experiences have led me to trust the quiet small-group-sense of grace I enjoy (at least most of the time). As I stated last week: The Holy Spirit touches me through the words of honest sharers within discussions of accepting groups– be they formal or informal. That’s where I come to grips with me. It is where I hear compassionate honesty. It is where I feel safe to share myself honestly. Hearing honesty and sharing honestly – I desperately need both.

Small groups. Honesty – sometimes rather brutal. Quiet. Non-Judgmental and Accepting. Safe enough for me to honestly reveal the real me. That is where I often experience Grace.

However, Grace is not some kind of intellectual knowledge that dispels fear.  That description of “grace” is dogma and its fear-dispensing quality is very temporary. Grace is not a temporary emotional euphoria. It is a quiet, confident knowing that “all is as it should be – right now for me.”

There are groups that excel and thrive on their ability to create a manufactured emotional high. Two that often come to mind for me are pre-game pep rallies and political conventions. I think I could also make the same case for mega-church productions with 100-voice choirs and choreographed big-screen videos. The aim – produce an intense emotional response from the audience, and people get addicted to these short-term emotional highs. Watching these professional productions is like watching a Broadway production of Les Miserables – when it’s over, you’re ready to grab a pitchfork or musket and march forth into battle for freedom, truth and justice. It’s a truly wonderful, but very short-lived emotion.

This kind of manufactured emotional high does not dispel fear. It only temporarily covers it up with a flood of emotion.

But my experience has shown that’s not how spiritual growth really works. I may be mistaken, but I cannot recall any instance in the Bible where true growth or insight came from emotional, orchestrated, mass-produced tugs at our heart-strings. From Moses (alone on the mountain) to the prophets (alone in the wilderness), to John the Baptist (living alone in the wild eating locusts and honey), to Jesus (fighting his demons during his solitary 40-day fast) to Paul and his private “revelation” on the road to Damascus – all these were where the spirit of the Lord came to them. The only exceptions I can think of are Jesus triumphal entry into Jerusalem (on Palm Sunday) where the crowd’s euphoria lasted about 4 days before the fear of Roman authority took over and everyone dissolved into the shadows. Or the reputed experience of Pentecost as reported by Luke in the Book of Acts (Chapters 1-2) – a highly stylized and very dubious historical event, since virtually no other New Testament writer mentioned it.

Spiritual growth, Grace and Truth – all this comes to me where I hear compassionate honesty and where I feel safe enough for me to share myself honestly.

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don.

#2 September, 2013

Copyright, 2013

My Individualism Thrives Within The Plural

It’s good to be back home.

While I was out of town I received quite a few messages from subscribers about a previous post (Msg-4-July-2013: “The Life Of The Spirit Is Solitary, Although I Experience My Existence In The Plural”). It concerned the role of community vis-à-vis personal spiritual growth. While on our trip, serendipitously, I was also loaned a book called “The Case of the Missing Person: How Finding Jesus of Nazareth Can Transform Communities and Individuals Today,” R. Earle Rabb, Wipf & Stock, 2010.

In the book Rabb uncovers the message and mission of the historical Jesus during his short ministry. Rabb believes the data is “hidden in plain sight” in the Synoptic Gospels of the New Testament. Rabb also approaches this in a manner similar to a detective searching for a missing person. The real Jesus has been overlooked as a result of the dogma and theology developed by the apostle Paul who paid virtually no attention to the life and teachings of Jesus and whose point of view influenced so many of later NT authors. I also cover the virtual disregard Paul has for the person, mission, and teachings of Jesus in my book (How the Bible became the Bible, Chapters 7-8, From Jesus of Nazareth to the Christ of Faith – Parts 1&2, pp. 129-175).

While reading Rabb’s book I began to see my spiritual transformation, as a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous, exactly as Rabb describes the communal nature of the Kingdom of God – proclaimed, organized and encouraged by Jesus in the small villages throughout Galilee. I saw my experience with AA as an experience within the Kingdom of God (or the Beloved Community, as Rabb calls it). I had sensed, before studying ACIM, my experience in getting sober within AA was much more than just stopping my drinking. I couldn’t define it any more than that. Knowing about ACIM now, I can see that AA was a Holy Encounter or a Holy Instant as described by A Course in Miracles – the kind of Truth and Oneness that overwhelms and transforms.

I have often stated in these messages how my absolute acceptance by members in the AA fellowship totally, quickly, and permanently turned my life and perspectives upside down. I had never been so absolutely accepted in my life and it transformed me. Without the nurturing support of the Fellowship, I never would have gotten sober – never would have begun the journey that is, essentially, still developing a new me.

AA members did not simply give me a copy of The Big Book, tell me to go read, memorize and believe parts of it, do the suggested steps, and – voilà – my life would change. Had they done that nothing would have occurred. I would have been dead within six months. I was able to change because I became a willing and hungry member of the community. My personal journey, struggles, and decisions were all couched within the framework of this community of other recovering alcoholics.

Without the AA community I would have no spiritual life – nor physical life either. I simply wouldn’t have made it. But without my (and millions of others) visceral belongingness to the AA community there would be no community. At first glance, it seems to be a perfect example of mutual symbiosis. However, that’s not the case. The community ALWAYS takes precedence over the individual. Without AA I would have died. Without me AA would trundle along just fine. The same thing is true among Native American tribes. The singular cornerstone of life is the tribe, not the individual. Progeny depends not on parents but on the tribe. These tribal/communal/sharing communities of impoverished and disheartened Galileans were what Jesus of Nazareth created and fostered. A communal structure, grounded in the oldest of the Hebrew traditions and in the core traditions of Mosaic Law. Take care of the community and you take care of you and yours.

When I look at A Course in Miracles (ACIM) group – especially the one I attend – I find the same dynamic. I cannot read the ACIM book all by myself and derive the guidance I need to keep me on course. The Holy Spirit touches me through the words of honest sharers within the context of accepting group discussions – be they formal or informal. That’s where I come to grips with me. It is where I hear compassionate honesty. It is where I feel safe to share myself honestly. Hearing honesty and sharing honestly – I desperately need both.  That’s how my ideas are tempered, altered, morphed and tested until they become my reality – at least for this week. Sharing is not about hearing dogma explained. It is not about hearing or speaking the correct words: AA words; ACIM words; Bible words; Conservative words; Progressive words. I can certainly do that with the best of you. But, that’s the easiest way for me to hide myself from you and from me, which is deadly. That will kill my spiritual growth faster than any poison.

And, yes, that process is not always pretty.

My spiritual growth is mine. My behavior and actions are mine. I am responsible for me. I am an already-loved spirit currently having a human experience. But I exist and grow within the plural – a family, an AA home group, an ACIM group, progressive political groups, Tennessee, the USA. If I need an accepting, honest group that shares their real selves – through which my Higher Power seems to speak to me – then I need to be there and share honestly – in case your Higher Power needs me in order to speak to you. That’s my reality now. An individual within the plural.

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don.

#1 September, 2013

Copyright, 2013

Think, Do, Feel – Rather Than Feel, Think, Do

If I wait until I feel like doing something, I’ll never get around to it – except under duress and hating every minute of it. It’s such a waste of my energy. Unfortunately, I still do that often. I only wish I could remember the adage “…feelings are indicators, not dictators.”

However, what I know today is that I still have some feelings I simply do not know how to handle. Like expressing anger. Like expressing fear, or disappointment, or feelings of personal hurt. I’m still growing.

I wrote a poem 20 years ago that still expresses who I am – when it comes to feelings.

Autobiography

Very shortly after I was born,

I almost at once became a thorn.

And in my own home

I felt so alone,

and I didn't know

I didn't know

how to feel.

I knew living was to be watched from the outside.

I knew living was anticipating the downside.

Yet, I didn't fit,

and I felt like shit,

and I didn't know

I didn't know

how to feel.

By my teens I didn't know who I was,

but I surely had learned to enjoy a buzz,

and when I was tight

I felt all right,

but I didn't know

I didn't know

how to feel.

By college I had the "oughts" down pat.

I knew the "don'ts" and "shoulds" and all that.

I went through the motions

and still drank my potions,

but I didn't know

I didn't know

how to feel.

While married twice, I was an actor in a play

pretending all the while - making it through the day -

and in my home

I felt so alone,

and I didn't know

I didn't know

how to feel.

By now my body was hooked on booze,

but it no longer worked - it was a ruse.

I didn't want to die,

and I didn't like my high,

and I didn't know

I didn't know

how to feel.

Then, my Self died - only to be reborn

to an emerging Self no longer torn

between sham and lie,

between lows and highs,

... and I began to know

I didn't know

how to feel.

... and I began to know

I didn't know

what to feel.

... and now I feel,

and I don't know

what to know.              1995

At this week’s AA meeting the topic of discussion seemed to flow around learning how to deal with feelings – especially negative ones – in a manner that didn’t disrupt one’s serenity. I still cannot deal very well with intense feelings. But I have learned that my feelings are indicators – not dictators. If I wait until I feel like doing something, I’ll never get around to it – except under duress and hating every minute of it. Such a waste of energy! I have learned that the sequence of truth for me is “Think, Do, Feel” – rather than the typical “Feel, Think, Do.” If I want to change my feelings, I think and do something differently. My feelings always follow my actions.

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don.

#2 Aug, 2013

Copyright, 2013

PS: I will be out of town for the next several weeks, so there will be no messages during that time. I’ll talk to you again in early September.

I’m As Sick As My Secrets

I’ve told my story before in these messages – the story of my toxic shame. Typical shame occurs when I do/say/act in a way that is perceived bad or destructive or inappropriate. Afterwards, I’d wish I hadn’t done/said/did whatever it was. Typical shame is one of the principle ingredients in the shame/blame/guilt cake I baked for myself weekly.

We all make versions of that same cake.

In fact, I have come to prefer to eat my cake with a slice of humble pie.

Toxic shame, first coined by John Bradshaw, is different. It’s the shame that comes from simply being me. It is not about something I did or said (or didn’t do or say). It’s about feeling sick inside just because I’m me. It’s not about the fact I did something inappropriate. It’s about the belief that I am inappropriate. Toxic shame is sickening. It is deadly. It is who I was until I hit bottom and ended up in AA.

Early in my recovery I heard people in the Fellowship say, “Just remember, <name>, you’re only as sick as your secrets.” So, I thought I understood. At first I shared all sorts of superfluous trivia trying to sound authentic. It didn’t work. It only made me feel that hollowness inside. It was toxic shame all over again.

As I continued to sit in meetings and heard others share openly about themselves, I was shocked by how open they were. I was also baffled at how they and everyone else would actually belly-laugh at their dark secrets. So I continued to share as openly as I could. Some of what I shared was probably okay, but some really was inappropriate and friends told me I should share those kinds of things only with my sponsor or other close and trusted friends in the Program. That was very embarrassing, but I lived through it.

But – after months and months of meetings – the openness and acceptance of all those other honest-sharers created the safe place I needed to come clean – with myself. I began by sharing – meeting after meeting – something like this: “I don’t think I really know who I am. So, I’m just going to listen for the rest of the meeting.”

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) focuses on healing my mind by allowing the Holy Spirit to begin awakening my higher mind to the idiotic “realities” of my Egoic mind. That is where healing occurs. That is where miracles occur. That is what began happening to me as I began truly sharing … simply me.

After these meetings folks began to come to me and admit they felt the same way. Others would comment, “I don’t believe you. You seem more together than many old-timers.” I would answer them by indicating I was a pretty good actor. As I began to explore the idea of truly being myself – someone who I really didn’t know – I began to experience the liberating freedom I needed to begin fully recovering: Recovering from toxic shame; Recovering from the compulsion to drink.

I believe these kinds of experiences that happened to me and which I’ve witnessed in the Program are what ACIM calls a Holy Encounter or a Holy Instant. It will change you from deep inside outwards. It certainly did me.

Now, I have to simply “share myself” in order to stay on my spiritual path. I continue to do that in AA meetings, in my ACIM meetings, and through these messages. That’s why I always close these messages with the statement: “Although these messages are mostly for me …..” 

I understand that sick feeling inside me whenever I’m projecting a “me” that isn’t really authentic.  After 26 years it remains a horrible, nauseating feeling, but it’s also a great indicator that I’m on a very dangerous precipice. That sick feeling inside me is the residue of my toxic shame, but it has become a supremely beneficial caution light for me. I use it to simply be as honest as I can – with compassion, acceptance and empathy.

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don.

#1 Aug, 2013

Copyright, 2013