Listening With My Heart – Part 2

Last week I wrote of the program on LinkTV called “Global Spirit.” It is a program that “…mixes evocative film segments with deep discussion, [and] takes viewers on a mind and soul-expanding journey, exploring the relationships between ancient wisdom traditions, diverse belief systems, world religions, metaphysics and modern science.”

I quoted one of the participants in a recent program, “Uncle” Angaangaq, an Eskimo-Kalaalit shaman, healer, and carrier of the Qilaut drum. He referred to the longest most complicated journey a person can take is the trip between the head and the heart. I went on to discuss what a wonderful sentiment that was and how I had experienced that in my life – outdoors being a part of nature.

I shared recently in my weekly meeting of A Course In Miracles (ACIM) about listening with my heart as I work in my yard. Our property is almost an acre, has a wet-weather creek that flows through it, and backs up to the Catoosa Wildlife Management Area (an 80,000-acre preserve owned by Tennessee).

During the meeting we discussed the issue of thinking with our heads. Cerebral. Viewing the world I see through my physical egoic eyes, interpreting what I see through the filters of my egoic thoughts, processing those egoic thoughts through my egoic filters, and pretending I am being impartial and rational. What a joke!

While I was out in the yard cleaning up the creek, I had, once again, a sense of being simply a part of my environment. I was not the “master” of my little corner of the world. I was just another being full of life just like the fire ants, beetles, worms, frogs tadpoles, water striders, rabbits, moles, gophers, and a variety of other critters. I was not a user of my environment, but a part of it.

It is an exhilaratingly calm sense of being at One with myself and my surroundings.

I had become aware of a sense of Oneness that I was absorbing – not thinking about. I was experiencing absorption through my heart-sense. I was not “doing” rational thinking through my mental capacity. It reminded me of taking medication. I was absorbing medication through my skin [aka: heart] rather than by injection or oral dose [aka: head].

When I process information through my thinking, I’m in my Ego. Granted, it may be my “higher” mind, but it is still of my ego. This can lead me to very dangerous places – namely, the place where I believe I’m right. And, if I believe I’m right and you disagree with me, then by definition you are wrong.

That’s a dangerous place for me to be.

It reeks of separation rather than Oneness. It keeps you “different” from me. It reeks of defensiveness and justification rather then acceptance and unity. It reinforces my ego’s (Felix) sense of duality – good/bad, right/wrong, spiritual/non-spiritual, appropriate/inappropriate – all of which requires egoic judgment on my part. Again, that is a dangerous place for me to be.

Perhaps it is a dangerous place for you to be as well.

I believe we have all experienced this sense of knowledge through absorption rather than through rational deduction or inference. We meet people that we “just know” we connect with. We meet people that are just the opposite. We find ourselves in places that fill our hearts with calm and belonging, although we cannot explain it. We also find ourselves in places where we are simply edgy. Somehow we “know” it to be so. It’s absorption rather than rational thinking. It’s intuitive rather than logic. It’s a feeling I get many times during an AA meeting: a sense of Oneness, openness and acceptance in the presence of a Reality I could not have imagined 28 years ago.

I also believe I can invite and develop more of that heart-based reality in my life. I desire it very much – but am afraid of it at the same time. After all, I’m the intelligent guy who used to drink a fifth of vodka a day and had to have alcohol in my system 24-hours a day in order to feel normal. And never once did it occur to me that that was rather abnormal.

So, I have a first-hand, visceral understanding of the games Felix can play on me. And I am always aware of that.

Relax and enjoy the most difficult journey you’ll ever take – the trip that will take you from head-thinking to heart-absorption. Simply practice being the observer of your thoughts and, in that stillness, listen for the whispers of the Holy Spirit.

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#5 Aug 2015

Copyright 2015

PS: The website to Global Spirit is [ http://www.cemproductions.org/globalspirit/   and click on “Programs.”]

My Schizophrenic Spiritual Self

At a recent AA meeting I shared about how I refer to my lower mind as Felix. As I described Felix and his temper tantrums, his dismal outlook on life, his black-or-white or win-or-lose approach to living, the chorus of voices in my head that can comprise his presence, his belief in lack, and his perception that all my problems are “out there,” I received a lot of laughs. People were not laughing at me, however. They were laughing with me because they recognized the same chatter in themselves. I felt accepted, which is always a good feeling for me, given my struggle with toxic shame. I had shared some rather intimate details about who I am and their laughter confirmed that I was not mad or crazy – I was a rather normal alcoholic. I have come to believe that each of us is addicted to something (drugs, gambling, shopping, helping others (whether they need it or not), religion, the “stories” about ourselves we have constructed through our selectively remembered past) that helps insulate us from ourselves and keep our problems “out there.” I believe I am rather normal – period.

Several went on to share about their version of a “lower mind,” including their relationship to their Inner Child. It got me to thinking about my experiences getting to know my Inner Child and my description of Felix and Little Donnie, or my lower and higher mind, or A Course in Miracles’ (ACIM’s) use of the terms ego and higher self. Are these “titles” consistent? At odds? Confusing? Clarifying?

After discussing this with a men’s group I attend I have come to terms with the fact that both my Felix and Little Donnie are of my ego. However, Little Donnie is open to the whispers of the Holy Spirit and is more active in seeking His voice. Often, now, I will find myself in the middle of an argument and will actually pause my mind for a while asking, “I need a little help here.”

In light of Freud’s Id, Ego and Super-Ego, our contemporary language of psychoanalysis, based on the book “I’m Okay, You’re Okay, now uses the terms Child, Adult and Parent. Thinking of my egoic self as two parts, Felix and Little Donnie, Felix consists of Child-Felix and Parent-Felix and Little Donnie consists of Child-Donnie and Parent-Donnie. I see inside myself the part of me that is Child-Ish, as well as the part that is Child-Like. Jesus’ guidance to become as a little child refers to being child-like not childish. Inside me, however, it often doesn’t take much to flip my child-likeness into childishness.

My Child-Felix is a childish, fearful, aggressive, hostile, self-centered, temper-tantrum-prone little boy. For him it’s a “my way or the highway” pattern of behavior. He perceives people and events in terms of self-gratification and of black or white with little shades of gray. He has internalized many of Parent-Felix’s beliefs and principles – but with the perception and implementation of a little child. He is deathly afraid of embarrassing Parent-Felix.

My Parent-Felix is overly strict and unforgiving. He religiously follows adherence to his rules, He operates on the premise that good behavior is equal to being a good person (which means obeying him). He is convinced Child-Felix is an extension of himself. He controls the Child-Felix by withholding love or bestowing gifts/treats, by punishing or rewarding, and by being overly critical while being exceptionally sensitive to criticism. Parent-Felix is not a joy to be around.

These two rigid facets make up my Felix – my lower mind. They are very entrenched in my make-up. They compliment one another. They reinforce one another. Yet, most often, they seem to be at war with one another.

My Child-Donnie is what I came to know in AA as my precious little boy. I wrote about him in my book, though I didn’t have the insight I have now. Child-Donnie is my child-like source of creativity, my memories, curiosity, joy, love, acceptance, delight, and Life-In-The-Now. My Child-Donnie is like a little dog: lovable, impish, easily satisfied, reasonably undemanding, and ever curious.

My Parent-Donnie is honest, open, and willing (AA’s HOW), unbelievably grateful for my sobriety and for the knowledge and acceptance he found in AA and in ACIM. He wants to fully nurture Child-Donnie, although he sometimes doesn’t know how to do that. He is the source of really wanting to see events and people with compassion. He is the portal through which the Holy Spirit can whisper and he is the ear through which he hears Him.

Child-Donnie and Parent-Donnie, make up the part of me I call Little Donnie, or my higher mind. The more I define myself in terms of Little Donnie the more angry and fearful Felix becomes. Felix will charge out of the gate, as does a thoroughbred racehorse at the sound of the bell.

If any of this description of how I see myself resonates with you, find something that meaningfully speaks to your Child-or-Parent-Donnie and learn, follow, and practice nurturing them as the most significant thing you can do. It has been a wonderful (though often humbling and painful) experience to become able to identify what part of myself I am dealing with – Felix or Little Donnie. It has truly opened a big, wide door to recognize who is my egoic “I,” whether it’s Felix or Little Donnie. Having recognized it, I can release my attention to it and relax as I wait for guidance. Enjoy your journey!

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#3 September 2014

Copyright, 2014

Coping With My Ocean of Guilt and Shame

Last week [Msg-3-May-2014; Quantum Physics and My Spirituality] I referred to and quoted from the book Opening The Aloha Mind – Healing Self, Healing the World with Ho’oponopono, by Jim Nourse, PhD [Balboa Press (Hay House), 2013]. While looking at a problem of broken axles he asked himself, “Which was the problem – the situation itself or my appraisal of it?” [p. 13]

His realization is very similar to what I’m learning in A Course in Miracles (ACIM). I perceive people, things, and events through a filter of my past interpretations of selective memories. He also quotes a quip I first heard at Princeton: A person commented to his therapist, “Life just keeps throwing me one thing after another.” The therapist replied, “No, your life is throwing you the same thing over and over again.” As I’ve been trying to recognize my perceptions as non-reality, I’ve discovered an ocean of guilt/shame inside me – an overflowing reservoir. I realize I’ve been trying for years, through the Twelve Steps of AA, to find the answer to the question: “Where did all this stuff come from? What caused my ocean’s beginning?”  

Nourse’s description of how the Ho’oponopono healing experience operates to cleanse and forgive me (and also change the world around me!) is very, very similar to the process of forgiveness in ACIM, and the Course defines forgiveness as our primary function in this world.

In ACIM the forgiveness process goes like this: I forgive the perceptions/images I've made or projected, and I forgive the people in these perceptions/images; I forgive myself for projecting my perceptions/images; I ask the Holy Spirit to help me see another way of looking at this situation/person – and then I still my mind and listen for the Holy Spirit's whispers. (Remember: This last step is not my job. It just happens).

According to Nourse, the Ho’oponopono process proceeds by addressing our collective “memory,” which is not the same as our western idea of memory. Memory is not my recollection of my Dad or Mom or brother “doing something” to me or my recollection of me doing something “bad.” It is an unformed mass of data from the collective psyche and the cosmos at large. For example, rather than responding in an unconditional acceptance of things exactly as they are in the NOW, I perceive a situation as a problem, or worry, or threat, or fear. That’s a clear sign that I’m operating from my experience with my ocean of subconscious unformed stuff from the cosmos. To use Ho’oponopono for cleansing, I must take full responsibility for the situation.  “My taking responsibility does not mean that I take on the blame for or burden of what happened to you. It means that I accept the fact that the underlying [unformed stuff in my subconscious] is in the cosmos and, therefore, also in me.” [p. 66] The cleansing continues in a 3-step process: repentance, forgiveness, and transmutation. Virtually the same three steps as in ACIM.

Nourse’s description of this collective, unconscious memory [Chapter Seven] is an absolutely beautiful description of what I have known as my “ocean of guilt/shame.” It’s the first time I have seen words like these. What an enormous relief that is for me. [I have discussed this concept before under the term Race Consciousness (Race as in Human Race). For example, Msg-3-Jan-2013 is about Shared Illusions]. The psychoanalyst Dr. Carl Jung, who first defined the term Collective Unconscious, was too cerebral for me to internalize when I studied him in graduate school.

Ho’oponopono doesn’t deal with the source – the prime cause – of where my guilt/shame comes from. ACIM doesn’t really dwell on it either. ACIM states that the Holy Spirit will honor an honest, gut-level willingness to perceive things differently or to see the world through different, spiritual “eyes.” ACIM describes this as vision rather than sight.

What I’ve come to understand while integrating these two very similar messages is that it doesn’t matter where my ocean of guilt/shame comes from. My earliest memories are not of this ocean, but early experiences of the ocean’s effect on me. Over and over I learned – incorrectly – to perceive the results of my ocean as confirmation that I was defective. I was inadequate. There was something inherently wrong with me. It wasn’t a conclusion based on things I did differently or incorrectly – it was that I, personally and wholly, was incomplete and somehow inferior because of it. That became my constant filter through which I perceived everything.

Consequently, I wear some pretty big buttons on my chest. They all say:  “If you want to see a very visceral reaction, just press here.” Some of these buttons are looks of exasperation at who I am or how I think, non-verbal communication that I’m merely being tolerated, susceptibility to “should” and “ought” statements, or envy (as AAers often say: “… wanting to be someone else, somewhere else, doing something else”). In short, each of these buttons has a direct connection, or siphon, to my ocean of guilt/shame. Push one of these buttons and you’ll get a very defensive reaction or justifying discourse from me – not based in the reality of the present moment – but based on my perception of the situation as it comes straight from my ocean and tells me that who I am simply isn’t enough. Since I don’t like to be reminded of that, I will blame you anyway I can.

What jumped out at me reading Nourse’s book was I don’t need to figure out where my ocean comes from. That focus of reflective thought has gotten me nowhere. I simply need to truly trust that becoming aware and willing will allow the Holy Spirit to begin neutralizing my ocean and freeing that energy for His use. That will also have a very positive impact on you, as well.

That is the icing on the cake – as the Holy Spirit cleanses me and allows me to have a different healthier perception of NOW, it cleanses the world around me. Each cleansing, multiple times daily, removes psychic “stuff” that has blocked my inner light, the light of my True Self – an already-loved eternal spirit currently having a human experience. I am not shining my light brighter – I am allowing my already-there light to shine more clearly now that some of my ocean of “stuff” is out of the way.

A Course in Miracles and the indigenous Hawaiian Ho’oponopono – who woulda thunk it? It’s a positive affirmation for me that Truth, after all, is Truth. It will set me free.

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#4 May, 2014

Copyright, 2014

A Thanksgiving Message

Love Is The Way I Walk In Gratitude

Today is Thanksgiving Day in the United States. I could think of no better message than the Lesson on gratitude in A Course In Miracles (ACIM). This Lesson [195] tells me there are two kinds of gratitude. The first is an ego-based thankfulness, which often is simply veiled hostility. When I pray “Thank You, God, for You have blessed me with all this bounty…” am I really implying that those who don’t have the kind of bounty I have are not blessed, or not blessed as fully as I? The second is sincere gratitude for the connectedness of all living things. As Allen Watson says, “Today I am joyful that the gifts I have received belong to everyone. I am grateful for every living thing, every person I meet…. I recognize that if anyone is diminished, I am diminished, and I thank God that ‘…everything has earned the right to love by being loving,’ for all is part of my [True] Self.” [A Workbook Companion, Volume II, Circle Publishing, 2006, p. 63]

From ACIM, A Workbook for Students, Part II, Lesson 195:

“Gratitude is a lesson hard to learn for those who look upon the world amiss. The most that they can do is see themselves as better off than others. And they try to be content because another seems to suffer more than they. How pitiful and deprecating are such thoughts! For who has cause for thanks while others have less cause? And who could suffer less because he sees another suffer more? Your gratitude is due to Him alone Who made all cause of sorrow disappear throughout the world.

“It is insane to offer thanks because of suffering. But it is equally insane to fail in gratitude to One Who offers you the certain means whereby all pain is healed, and suffering replaced with laughter and with happiness. Nor could the even partly sane refuse to take the steps which He directs, and follow in the way He sets before them, to escape a prison that they thought contained no door to the deliverance they now perceive.

“Your brother is your ‘enemy’ because you see in him the rival for your peace; a plunderer who takes his joy from you, and leaves you nothing but a black despair so bitter and relentless that there is no hope remaining. Now is vengeance all there is to wish for. Now can you but try to bring him down to lie in death with you, as useless as yourself; as little left within his grasping fingers as in yours.

“You do not offer God your gratitude because your brother is more slave than you, nor could you sanely be enraged if he seems freer. Love makes no comparisons. And gratitude can only be sincere if it be joined to love. We offer thanks to God our Father that in us all things will find their freedom. It will never be that some are loosed while others still are bound. For who can bargain in the name of love?

“Therefore give thanks, but in sincerity. And let your gratitude make room for all who will escape with you; the sick, the weak, the needy and afraid, and those who mourn a seeming loss or feel apparent pain, who suffer cold or hunger, or who walk the way of hatred and the path of death. All these go with you. Let us not compare ourselves with them, for thus we split them off from our awareness of the unity we share with them, as they must share with us.

“We thank our Father for one thing alone; that we are separate from no living thing, and therefore one with Him. And we rejoice that no exceptions ever can be made which would reduce our wholeness, nor impair or change our function to complete the One Who is Himself completion. We give thanks for every living thing, for otherwise we offer thanks for nothing, and we fail to recognize the gifts of God to us.

Then let our brothers lean their tired heads against our shoulders as they rest a while. We offer thanks for them. For if we can direct them to the peace that we would find, the way is opening at last to us. An ancient door is swinging free again; a long forgotten Word re-echoes in our memory, and gathers clarity, as we are willing once again to hear.

“Walk, then, in gratitude the way of love. For hatred is forgotten when we lay comparisons aside. What more remains as obstacles to peace? The fear of God is now undone at last, and we forgive without comparing. Thus we cannot choose to overlook some things, and yet retain some other things still locked away as ‘sins.’ When your forgiveness is complete you will have total gratitude, for you will see that everything has earned the right to love by being loving, even as your Self.

“Today we learn to think of gratitude in place of anger, malice and revenge. We have been given everything. If we refuse to recognize it, we are not entitled therefore to our bitterness, and to a self-perception which regards us in a place of merciless pursuit, where we are badgered ceaselessly, and pushed about without a thought or care for us or for our future. Gratitude becomes the single thought we substitute for these insane perceptions. God has cared for us, and calls us Son. Can there be more than this?

“Our gratitude will pave the way to Him, and shorten our learning time by more than you could ever dream of. Gratitude goes hand in hand with love, and where one is the other must be found. For gratitude is but an aspect of the Love, which is the Source of all creation. God gives thanks to you, His Son, for being what you are: His Own completion and the Source of love, along with Him. Your gratitude to Him is one with His to you. For love can walk no road except the way of gratitude, and thus we go who walk the way to God.”  [The Workbook for Students, Lesson 195]

Happy Thanksgiving!

Don

#5 November, 2013

Copyright, 2013