If I wait until I feel like doing something, I’ll never
get around to it – except under duress and hating every minute of it. It’s such
a waste of my energy. Unfortunately, I still do that often. I only wish I could
remember the adage “…feelings are indicators, not dictators.”
However, what I know today is
that I still have some feelings I simply do not know how to handle. Like
expressing anger. Like expressing fear, or disappointment, or feelings of
personal hurt. I’m still growing.
I wrote a poem 20 years ago that
still expresses who I am – when it comes to feelings.
Autobiography
Very shortly after I was
born,
I almost at once became a
thorn.
And in my own home
I felt so alone,
and I didn't know
I didn't know
how
to feel.
I knew living was to be
watched from the outside.
I knew living was
anticipating the downside.
Yet, I didn't fit,
and I felt like shit,
and I didn't know
I didn't know
how
to feel.
By my teens I didn't know who
I was,
but I surely had learned to
enjoy a buzz,
and when I was tight
I felt all right,
but I didn't know
I didn't know
how
to feel.
By college I had the
"oughts" down pat.
I knew the "don'ts"
and "shoulds" and all that.
I went through the motions
and still drank my potions,
but I didn't know
I didn't know
how
to feel.
While married twice, I was an
actor in a play
pretending all the while -
making it through the day -
and in my home
I felt so alone,
and I didn't know
I didn't know
how
to feel.
By now my body was hooked on
booze,
but it no longer worked - it
was a ruse.
I didn't want to die,
and I didn't like my high,
and I didn't know
I didn't know
how
to feel.
Then, my Self died - only to
be reborn
to an emerging Self no longer
torn
between sham and lie,
between
lows and highs,
... and I began to know
I didn't know
how
to feel.
... and I began to know
I didn't know
what
to feel.
... and now I feel,
and I don't know
what
to know. 1995
At this week’s AA meeting the topic of discussion
seemed to flow around learning how to deal with feelings – especially negative
ones – in a manner that didn’t disrupt one’s serenity. I still cannot deal very
well with intense feelings. But I have learned that my feelings are indicators
– not dictators. If I wait until I feel
like doing something, I’ll never get around to it – except under duress and
hating every minute of it. Such a waste of energy! I have learned that the
sequence of truth for me is “Think, Do, Feel” – rather than the typical “Feel,
Think, Do.” If I want to change my feelings, I think and do something
differently. My feelings always follow my actions.
Although these messages are
mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this
message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual
journey.
Don.
#2 Aug, 2013
Copyright, 2013
PS: I will be out of town for the next several
weeks, so there will be no messages during that time. I’ll talk to you again in
early September.
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