I’ve told my story before in
these messages – the story of my toxic shame. Typical shame occurs when I
do/say/act in a way that is perceived bad or destructive or inappropriate.
Afterwards, I’d wish I hadn’t done/said/did whatever it was. Typical shame is
one of the principle ingredients in the shame/blame/guilt cake I baked for myself
weekly.
We all make versions of that
same cake.
In fact, I have come to prefer to eat my cake with a slice of humble
pie.
Toxic shame, first coined by
John Bradshaw, is different. It’s the shame that comes from simply being me. It
is not about something I did or said (or didn’t do or say). It’s about feeling
sick inside just because I’m me. It’s not about the fact I did something
inappropriate. It’s about the belief that I am inappropriate. Toxic shame is
sickening. It is deadly. It is who I was until I hit bottom and ended up in AA.
Early in my recovery I heard
people in the Fellowship say, “Just remember, <name>, you’re only as sick
as your secrets.” So, I thought I understood. At first I shared all sorts of
superfluous trivia trying to sound authentic. It didn’t work. It only made me
feel that hollowness inside. It was toxic shame all over again.
As I continued to sit in
meetings and heard others share openly about themselves, I was shocked by how
open they were. I was also baffled at how they and everyone else would actually
belly-laugh at their dark secrets. So I continued to share as openly as I
could. Some of what I shared was probably okay, but some really was inappropriate and friends told me I should share those
kinds of things only with my sponsor or other close and trusted friends in the
Program. That was very embarrassing, but I lived through it.
But – after months and months of meetings – the
openness and acceptance of all those other honest-sharers created the safe
place I needed to come clean – with myself. I began by sharing – meeting after
meeting – something like this: “I don’t think I really know who I am. So, I’m
just going to listen for the rest of the meeting.”
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) focuses on healing my
mind by allowing the Holy Spirit to begin awakening my higher mind to the
idiotic “realities” of my Egoic mind. That is where healing occurs. That is
where miracles occur. That is what began happening to me as I began truly
sharing … simply me.
After these meetings folks began to come to me and
admit they felt the same way. Others would comment, “I don’t believe you. You
seem more together than many old-timers.” I would answer them by indicating I
was a pretty good actor. As I began to explore the idea of truly being myself –
someone who I really didn’t know – I began to experience the liberating freedom
I needed to begin fully recovering: Recovering from toxic shame; Recovering
from the compulsion to drink.
I believe these kinds of experiences that happened to
me and which I’ve witnessed in the Program are what ACIM calls a Holy Encounter
or a Holy Instant. It will change you from deep inside outwards. It certainly did
me.
Now, I
have to simply “share myself” in order to stay on my spiritual path. I continue
to do that in AA meetings, in my ACIM meetings, and through these messages.
That’s why I always close these messages with the statement: “Although these
messages are mostly for me …..”
I understand that sick feeling
inside me whenever I’m projecting a “me” that isn’t really authentic. After 26 years it remains a horrible,
nauseating feeling, but it’s also a great indicator that I’m on a very
dangerous precipice. That sick feeling inside me is the residue of my toxic
shame, but it has become a supremely beneficial caution light for me. I use it to
simply be as honest as I can – with compassion, acceptance and empathy.
Although these messages are
mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this
message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual
journey.
Don.
#1 Aug, 2013
Copyright, 2013
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