Describing of My Unforgiving Self

Several days ago I did Lesson 121 in A Course in Miracles (ACIM). In ACIM the act of forgiveness is understanding there is no “sin” against God. After all, I am truly an already-loved eternal spirit living in the mind of God, I am not a separate human being that houses, somewhere, an eternal soul. There is only error based on false egoic perceptions. AA old-timers state: “The easiest way to forgive is to not blame in the first place.” I think it’s the same essential message.

LESSON 121:  Forgiveness is the key to happiness

1 Here is the answer to your search for peace. Here is the key to meaning in a world that seems to make no sense. Here is the way to safety [from] dangers that appear to threaten you at every turn, and bring uncertainty to all your hopes of ever finding quietness and peace….

2 The unforgiving [egoic] mind is full of fear, and offers love no room to be itself; no place where it can spread its wings in peace and soar above the turmoil of the world. The unforgiving mind is sad, without the hope of respite and release from pain. It suffers and abides in misery, peering about in darkness, seeing not, yet certain of the danger lurking there.

3 The unforgiving mind is torn with doubt, confused about itself and all it sees; afraid and angry, weak and blustering, afraid to go ahead, afraid to stay, afraid to waken or to go to sleep, afraid of every sound, yet more afraid of stillness; terrified of darkness, yet more terrified at the approach of light….

4 The unforgiving mind sees no mistakes, but only sins. It looks upon the world with sightless eyes, and shrieks as it beholds its own projections rising to attack its miserable parody of life. It wants to live, yet wishes it were dead. It wants forgiveness, yet it sees no hope. It wants escape, yet can conceive of none because it sees the sinful everywhere.

5 The unforgiving mind is in despair, without the prospect of a future, which can offer anything but more despair. Yet it regards its judgment of the world as irreversible, and does not see it has condemned itself to this despair. It thinks it cannot change, for what it sees bears witness that its judgment is correct. It does not ask, because it thinks it knows. It does not question, certain it is right.

6 Forgiveness is acquired. It is not inherent in the mind which cannot sin. As sin is an idea you taught yourself, forgiveness must be learned by you as well, but from a Teacher other than yourself, Who represents the other Self in you. Through Him you learn how to forgive the self you think you made, and let it disappear. Thus you return your mind as one to Him Who is your Self and Who can never sin.

Yet, I fight this concept at times. I just don’t want to do it. Why? What do I have to give up to get this kind of peace and serenity? Perhaps …

·      The joy of blaming

·      The fantasy of winning the lottery or achieving fame and glory

·      The self-righteous superiority I feel when I believe I’m right

·      The belief that my anger, fear and distrust are justified because I see anger, fear and distrust (not understanding that I’m just seeing what I’m projecting).

The Lesson goes on to instruct me to go inward and bathe in the light and peace I find there. While at that place, forgive someone I dislike and notice how the light of forgiveness “splashes” onto me as well. Then do the same with someone I like.

So, I went to my “holy” place within me and stood in front of the calmimg white light that I know is my True Self. I have done this before, but – for the first time – I sensed a connection with a Being – not just the Light and its Peacefulness. I also sensed He communicated with me: I sensed Him smile.

I said, “Hello,”

He said, “I wait for you.”

I said, “What do you do?”

He said, “I am.” Again, He smiled and said, “I wait for you.”

Then I smiled.

I noticed that in earlier lessons and visits to this holy place in me, I remained something/someone different than the bathed-in-Light-Self I encountered. But, for the first time I felt like I and He were both face-to -face and alive. I know I am not finding the correct words to use – but I wasn’t “alone” in front of Him. I was together “with” Him.

After this short meeting with my Self, I promptly dozed off.

I still get goose-bumps when I think of this. I found it very enjoyable. I was very relaxed.

I just wanted to share this experience with you.

As I’ve stated before, “I have to understand, on a visceral level, who the “Me” or “I” really is when I am speaking or thinking. The “I” that says to myself, “I really need a newer, more reliable car” is a different “I” than the one that says to Spirit, “I can’t do this anymore; help me perceive things the way You see them.”

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening to me and getting to know me – warts and all. As always, feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#1 May 2017

Copyright 2017

Looking In All The Wrong Places For God

We have all been in situations where some tragedy has befallen someone we love. Perhaps a child has been hit by a car and is clinging to life after emergency surgery. Perhaps we have witnessed global military atrocities and pray for them to stop. We see refugees fleeing from organized governmental terror only to sit inside baking tents watching their children slowly die of starvation. We want that to be stopped. So we pray for these reasonable and compassionate outcomes. However, we will always end our prayers with some form of the phrase “… if it be Thy will.”

For so many of us we pray to the God of our understanding that His will be done – but in the back of our minds we know what it is we think Her will should be. If we look at scripture and review our favorite passages, then we think we KNOW what God’s actions should be. In fact we believe we have been spiritual enough or religious enough that our wills have been conformed to God’s will.

My friend, Michael Z (MichaelZ@thewisdomoftherooms.com) in one of his weekly posts states, “… The harder I tried to control people, places and things presuming God’s will was in alignment with mine, the more uncontrollable my life became.“ He went on to describe how much more resentful, aggravated, disappointed, frustrated and angry he found himself. Nothing, not even God, was working in his favor. Where was his serenity as a result of working this closely with this God of his understanding?

Last week I wrote about my doing AA’s Twelve Steps and that now I am doing A Course In Miracles (ACIM’s) daily Lessons from the Workbook for Students. The emphasis I placed in last week’s message was in the doing! I have done ACIM’s lessons before, but this year I have done them with more earnestness – maybe because of the Trump phenomenon or maybe because I am really ready. “When the student is ready, the teaching (or teacher) appears.” I don’t know which reason it is and I don’t really care, because it doesn’t really matter to me.

What does matter is that I am doing the Lessons – not just reading them or reading the commentaries on them and concluding. “Well, that makes sense. I think I am getting the gist of this.” I am doing them. Just like doing the Twelve Steps transformed my life, doing these Lessons is having a profound effect on me.

The other day, I was at my pharmacy to pick up a prescription and they hadn’t received it yet from my doctor. I went to the doctor’s office, mentioned this to them and they took care of it then – apologizing for the delay. I went back to the pharmacy about 2 hours later and it still wasn’t ready. However, as I was standing in front of the clerk I was thinking, “He is doing his job. I can see in his face he is getting aggravated with the customer in front of him (and ahead of of me).” As I walked up, I thought of the short version of the day’s Lesson and from somewhere in the recesses of my mind, came the words, “Sometimes, dealing with unruly customers, I have found my patience stretched to the limit. You handled that very well.” He smiled and I told him about the prescription I was expecting. It wasn’t there. “Oh,” I said. “It should be.” “I tell you what,” he said. “I see we have received it. It is somewhere in the queue. If you have something else to shop for, please go do that and I’ll find your prescription and get it bumped up and filled. Can you come back in 10 minutes?” “Okay. I do have something else to get. I’ll be back shortly.”

As I walked away to go get what I needed, I noticed people were smiling back at me. All over the store. Every aisle I was in. I came back. The prescription was ready. I thanked him for his effort, and he said, “It’s been a real pleasure. It’s really a good job I have. I’m very thankful for it. Have a great day, sir.”

I left and went on to a lawn/garden/hardware store to get some pelletized lime for my yard. I asked where they had moved it because it wasn’t in its usual spot. The clerk said “Oh, I’m sorry. We are out and haven’t received the new batch yet.” A passing clerk stopped and related, “It just came in. They are putting the pallets in place right now. Come on. I’ll show you.” The second clerk went behind the temporary barriers they had set up, and got my five bags. On my way to the checkout counter, I saw a guy I had just met several days earlier who was in line ahead of me. We chatted for a moment and he motioned for me to go ahead of him, since he had much more stuff than I.

I came home a told my wife it had been a perfect day. There was no conflict. All problems that arose had been successfully resolved. No sullen faces – all smiles. No anger. No frustration. Just serenity. I was a very happy camper.

All this seemingly mundane stuff was the work of the Holy Spirit in ways I had never imagined. Working the Steps of AA changed my life in ways I never could have imagined. Rather than trying to force my will to be in concert with what I believe should be God’s will, I can just silently ask God to help me see what I am looking at in terms of acts of love or calls for love. When my perception changes, the day changes. When my perception changes, people change. When my perception changes, the results change. I normally would have looked at the pharmacy clerk and resented that I was going to get him while he was still angry with the previous customer. Instead, I saw a young man trying to be courteous and helpful – and it made all the difference in the world.

Small things. Unexpected things – in me and in all those I was meeting.

I try hard not to convince myself what it is that God would have me do. When I don’t do that, I confuse what I think I want God to tell me with what I think God’s will is. And, even though it may be high-sounding, it is all still of my ego. Felix. In the meantime, God is doing what He is doing and if I remain looking through Felix’s eyes, I will never see my Higher Power at work in my life – even if I think it’s mundane.

As I’ve stated before, “I have to understand, on a visceral level, who the “Me” or “I” really is when I am speaking or thinking. The “I” that says to myself, “I really need a newer, more reliable car” is a different “I” than the one that says to Spirit, “I can’t do this anymore; help me perceive things the way You see them.”

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening to me and getting to know me – warts and all. As always, feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#4 Mar 2017

Copyright 2017

The “Joy” Of Hitting Bottom

In Chapter 9 of my book, How the Bible became the Bible [ISBN – 978-0-7414-2993-3, Infinity Publishing, 2006] I described a little of my story as an alcoholic: During the last year [before I stopped drinking], I was drinking about a fifth [of vodka] a day and a half-gallon over the weekend. I had to have alcohol in my blood at all times, twenty-four hours a day, just to feel normal. That meant I had to have a drink every four hours or so—even in the middle of the night. And during that whole time it never dawned on me that this was abnormal.

Eight or nine months before April 17, 1987 [my sobriety date], I awoke one morning at three with severe indigestion and had my son take me to an emergency care facility. My diagnosis: critical, acute pancreatitis. “An ambulance is being arranged to take you to the hospital. Oh! By the way, your blood alcohol level is 2.8!” I had gone to bed (a.k.a. passed out) at 10:30 p.m. that summer night. If I had a blood alcohol level of 2.8 five hours later, just how drunk was I when I “went” to bed? In the mid-to-upper-threes? That’s well into the range of toxic, fatal alcohol poisoning.

I had done that night after night after night!

That was my life and that’s what I thought I had to do in order to “cope.” I thought I was relatively normal under the circumstances. After all, if you had my life, wouldn’t you drink, too?

I was relatively normal. I was a relatively normal alcoholic—a maintenance drinker who had lived for thirteen or fourteen years drinking a pint of booze every evening between 6 and 11 p.m. Then, all at once, I needed more. My sense of control left. Sometimes I could drink almost a fifth and appear outwardly sober. Other times I could have only several drinks and I’d black out. This loss of control terrified me because it threatened my ability to maintain my pretense—my front—to the world: that I was successful; that I had an important, pressure-packed job; that I was a good father; that ... well, you get the picture. Anything that would crack that shell and let the world see the awful mess and hollowness inside me was to be avoided at all costs.

The last year or so of heavy drinking began with intermittent shots of vodka during the night. I’d wake up at 4 a.m. in a cold sweat with the shakes. Later, leg cramps would come as well. I’d go to the bathroom and then “snitch” a swig of vodka. Soon, that 4 a.m. pattern became a 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. pattern. I didn’t understand that I was experiencing alcohol withdrawal. It seemed that three or four hours was about as long as I could go without a drink—day or night, asleep or at work—day after day. I began carrying a flask with me to work because I couldn’t last all the way to the two double-vodka gimlets I had for lunch. I kept a bottle in my car so I could make it home after work (as well as one in the trunk—for emergencies! Unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to imagine the nightmarish, stark terror of being stalled in traffic gridlock—alone—with the thought of no vodka.).

Within the blink of an eye I was having mid-morning and mid-afternoon grapefruit/vodka cocktails at my desk. I now believe that those two small cans of grapefruit juice were providing me all the nourishment I’d get some days. Co-workers and clients began to complain of alcohol on my breath. I would explain I had a prescription throat spray for my sinuses. I bought a pair of self-darkening prescription glasses to help hide my red, puffy eyes.

Rule number one: Keep up the pretense. Rule number two: There are no other rules.

It took all that living, if you want to call it that, to get me to a place where I finally gave up. Gave up what?  The pretense, the vodka, the illusion that I could handle myself, the belief that I could manage my life.

I really believe that without “hitting my bottom,” I would never have made it to Alcoholics Anonymous and witnessed the hope, happiness, and serenity I found there. Today, I am very grateful to be a recovering alcoholic.

I think my story may be a very apt analogy to what is happening in our country. In order to wake up and seek real transformation, we have to “hit bottom” as a nation, just as I did as an individual. Although sometimes I wish events in my life had taken a different course, I know in my heart that it took all that happened to me to get me into those rooms where I found an acceptance that transformed my life.

What happened to me has happened to every recovering alcoholic who, in working AA’s program of recovery, will readily admit they would never have become a grateful member of AA’s Fellowship without having hit their bottom. So, perhaps ….

• ·      … we have to have Donald Trump, Steve Bannon, and Mike Pence work to eliminate the recent regulations that protect water, air, natural resources or our wilderness areas.
• ·      … we need this Administration and complicit Republican Congress to roll back civil, religious, LGBT, workers’, women’s, and minority rights in favor of business and evangelical Christian beliefs.
• ·      … we need to have this Administration and its Republican congressional support move back to the pre-Obama financial regulations to control Wall Street and lenders (including credit cards) just as the Bush Administration did. This way we can openly enjoy a repeat of the 2007-08 financial crisis.
• ·      … we need to come face-to-face with our very own ignorance in determining the difference between fake and factual news, as well as determining that voter participation and political awareness is both a blessing and a responsibility and non-participation carries with it a very severe penalty.

Be grateful, be aware (without fear or anger), and begin in your own way to work for our national recovery.

As I’ve stated before, “I have to understand, on a visceral level, who the “Me” or “I” really is when I am speaking or thinking. The “I” that says to myself, “I really need a newer, more reliable car” is a different “I” than the one that says to Spirit, “I can’t do this anymore; help me perceive things the way You see them.”

Although these messages are mostly for me, thanks for listening to me and getting to know me – warts and all. As always, feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.

Don

#4 Jan 2017

Copyright 2017