In Chapter 9 of my book, How the Bible became the Bible [ISBN – 978-0-7414-2993-3, Infinity
Publishing, 2006] I described a little of my story as an alcoholic: During the last year [before I stopped drinking], I was drinking about a fifth [of vodka] a day and a half-gallon over the weekend. I had to have alcohol in my
blood at all times, twenty-four hours a day, just to feel normal. That meant I
had to have a drink every four hours or so—even in the middle of the night. And
during that whole time it never dawned on me that this was abnormal.
Eight or nine months
before April 17, 1987 [my sobriety date], I
awoke one morning at three with severe indigestion and had my son take me to an
emergency care facility. My diagnosis: critical, acute pancreatitis. “An
ambulance is being arranged to take you to the hospital. Oh! By the way, your
blood alcohol level is 2.8!” I had gone to bed (a.k.a. passed out) at 10:30
p.m. that summer night. If I had a blood alcohol level of 2.8 five hours later,
just how drunk was I when I “went” to bed? In the mid-to-upper-threes? That’s
well into the range of toxic, fatal alcohol poisoning.
I had done that night
after night after night!
That was my life and that’s what I thought I had to do in
order to “cope.” I thought I was relatively normal under the circumstances.
After all, if you had my life, wouldn’t you drink, too?
I was relatively normal. I was a relatively normal alcoholic—a
maintenance drinker who had lived for thirteen or fourteen years drinking a
pint of booze every evening between 6 and 11 p.m. Then, all at once, I needed
more. My sense of control left. Sometimes I could drink almost a fifth and
appear outwardly sober. Other times I could have only several drinks and I’d
black out. This loss of control terrified me because it threatened my ability
to maintain my pretense—my front—to the world: that I was successful; that I
had an important, pressure-packed job; that I was a good father; that ... well,
you get the picture. Anything that would crack that shell and let the world see
the awful mess and hollowness inside me was to be avoided at all costs.
The last year or so of
heavy drinking began with intermittent shots of vodka during the night. I’d
wake up at 4 a.m. in a cold sweat with the shakes. Later, leg cramps would come
as well. I’d go to the bathroom and then “snitch” a swig of vodka. Soon, that 4
a.m. pattern became a 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. pattern. I didn’t understand that I was
experiencing alcohol withdrawal. It seemed that three or four hours was about
as long as I could go without a drink—day or night, asleep or at work—day after
day. I began carrying a flask with me to work because I couldn’t last all the
way to the two double-vodka gimlets I had for lunch. I kept a bottle in my car
so I could make it home after work (as well as one in the trunk—for
emergencies! Unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to imagine the nightmarish,
stark terror of being stalled in traffic gridlock—alone—with the thought of no
vodka.).
Within the blink of an
eye I was having mid-morning and mid-afternoon grapefruit/vodka cocktails at my
desk. I now believe that those two small cans of grapefruit juice were
providing me all the nourishment I’d get some days. Co-workers and clients
began to complain of alcohol on my breath. I would explain I had a prescription
throat spray for my sinuses. I bought a pair of self-darkening prescription
glasses to help hide my red, puffy eyes.
Rule number one: Keep up
the pretense. Rule number two: There are no other rules.
It took all that living, if you want to call it that, to get
me to a place where I finally gave up. Gave up what? The pretense, the vodka, the illusion that I
could handle myself, the belief that I could manage my life.
I really believe that without
“hitting my bottom,” I would never have made it to Alcoholics Anonymous and
witnessed the hope, happiness, and serenity I found there. Today, I am very
grateful to be a recovering alcoholic.
I think my story may be a very
apt analogy to what is happening in our country. In order to wake up and seek
real transformation, we have to “hit bottom” as a nation, just as I did as an
individual. Although sometimes I wish events in my life had taken a different
course, I know in my heart that it took all that happened to me to get me into
those rooms where I found an acceptance that transformed my life.
What happened to me has happened
to every recovering alcoholic who, in working AA’s program of recovery, will
readily admit they would never have become a grateful member of AA’s Fellowship
without having hit their bottom. So, perhaps ….
- · … we have to have Donald Trump, Steve Bannon, and Mike Pence work to eliminate the recent regulations that protect water, air, natural resources or our wilderness areas.
- · … we need this Administration and complicit Republican Congress to roll back civil, religious, LGBT, workers’, women’s, and minority rights in favor of business and evangelical Christian beliefs.
- · … we need to have this Administration and its Republican congressional support move back to the pre-Obama financial regulations to control Wall Street and lenders (including credit cards) just as the Bush Administration did. This way we can openly enjoy a repeat of the 2007-08 financial crisis.
- · … we need to come face-to-face with our very own ignorance in determining the difference between fake and factual news, as well as determining that voter participation and political awareness is both a blessing and a responsibility and non-participation carries with it a very severe penalty.
Be grateful, be aware (without
fear or anger), and begin in your own way to work for our national recovery.
As I’ve stated before, “I have
to understand, on a visceral level, who the “Me” or “I” really is when I am
speaking or thinking. The “I” that says to myself, “I really need a newer, more
reliable car” is a different “I” than the one that says to Spirit, “I can’t do
this anymore; help me perceive things the way You see them.”
Although these messages are
mostly for me, thanks for listening to me and getting to know me – warts and
all. As always, feel free to forward this message to your friends, family, and
those accompanying you on your spiritual journey.
Don
#4 Jan 2017
Copyright 2017
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