The
other day I was listening to a member of the AA fellowship discuss her
encounter with an anonymous someone who had only been to several meetings. The
someone wondered “how she did it” – meaning how my friend worked the AA Program
and stayed sober. As my friend related the incident, she was struck by all the
negative exclusions her questioner had at her fingertips. She related the
standard AA directions to the newcomer: “If you want what we have, do what we
do.” Then she reminded her of the 5 or 6 standard-issue suggestions of the
Program: Go to meetings, Don’t drink, Get a sponsor, Pray, Work the Steps, and
when tempted, Call someone – anyone – in the Fellowship.
The
newcomer had responses to every suggestion explaining why she couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t work the
Program like everyone else. She was too busy at home and at work. She was too
involved with her church activities. It was suggested she pray first thing in
the morning and read one of the steps in AA’s Twelve Steps and Twelve
Traditions. “I’m not a morning person,” she said.
Turns
out she wasn’t an afternoon person, an evening person or a night person either.
She
was afraid that working the Steps would conflict with her Christian beliefs.
She was afraid that the bottom she believed she had hit, wasn’t bad enough to
warrant her having to knuckle-down and really concentrate on AA’s “standard,
run-of-the-mill” suggestions for achieving sobriety. “Why can’t I simply read
through the Steps until I think I understand them? Why do I have to do a moral
inventory, discuss it with someone, and eventually make amends to those I have
wronged – when I really don’t think I truly wronged anyone anyway?”
I’ve
heard many similar excuses before as well – as a sponsor in AA, in listening to
why people believe they cannot adopt the principles of A Course in Miracles
(ACIM), hearing folks make all kinds of excuses as to why they cannot begin
reducing their carbon footprint or begin adopting the principles of the
Simplicity Movement, and so on. In almost every case the people appear to want
what they think I have, but they have all the excuses and distractions that
make implementing my suggestions impossible for them.
Their
actions seem to indicate they want to remain exclusively unique.
All
of this got me to thinking about my ego’s use of exclusivity as one of its
primary defense mechanisms. Exclusivity, exclusionism, and uniqueness lead to
thoughts like: Things just don’t seem to apply to me; I’m different; My
circumstances are different; I‘m unique.
Then
I remember, as an active alcoholic, I almost died from a very severe case of
“terminal” uniqueness. I also remember, as I began to get sober by following
the suggested AA program of recovery, what a wonderful relief it was to simply
identify myself as “one of the herd – a very ordinary recovering alcoholic.”
Nothing special. Nothing unique about that.
That
shift in my thought-process has saved my life, although I still haven’t fully
realized how profound that shift actually was. I’m still learning.
The
damning thing about my ego’s desire to be unique is its very subtle insistence
on judging, comparing, and criticizing. As long as my ego can continue to push
my uniqueness button, I will remain believing in my (and your) separateness.
That’s a killer to my spiritual growth and development. That’s what’s so
damning about my ego.
For
me the way I try to control my ego’s desire to judge is to focus on not using
the words “should,” “could,” “would,” “ought,” and “ …, but.” Many I know, if
they could not use those words, would have little to say.
·
You know what I “would” do if I were you?
- Have you ever thought you “should” try this?
- What you say makes a lot of sense, “but” for me, the situation….
- My life ”would”
have been so much better if only I “could”
have understood the implications of ….
- Do you know what I think you really “ought” to do?
Most
of these judging words come in the form of un-requested advice, and I have to
remember that un-asked-for advice is generally translated by the hearer as
criticism. Criticism is judging. I do it all the time, and it makes no
difference if I am carrying on an actual conversation with someone or whether
the conversation exists only in my head. It’s all the same to the universe. I
am judging. And when I judge, I have become separate from you. I am different
from you. I am unique, which has no place for you. We are different
individuals.
As
long as I believe I am truly separate, my ego is in control and my spirit
suffers. When I feel separated from you my spiritual growth comes to a grinding
halt and I stagnate. After a while a stagnant spiritual life, just like
stagnant water in a pond, begins to smell.
The
ability to not judge and the ability to forgive are very closely related. AA
says simply, “The easiest way to learn to forgive is simply to learn to not
blame in the first place.” Similarly, ACIM outlines 3 steps to forgiveness: 1)
I forgive the projected perception of you I have created in my mind; 2) I
forgive myself for creating this perception; and 3) I ask the Holy spirit to give
me another way of seeing this situation without judgment, and then I still my
mind and listen for His whispers of Truth.
So
I try very diligently to stay away from “should,” “could,” “would,” “ought,”
and “…, but.”
Thanks
for listening and, as always, please share this message with my blessings.
Don
#1
March, 2012
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