As you have heard me discuss
lately, this last 4 weeks of our winter has been hard for me – physically,
financially, and emotionally. As is my habit, I immediately rely on learned
behavior to deal with non-working blower motors on our heating/cooling system,
with non-responsive repair people or manufacturers, with warranty companies and
their excessive “fine print” that explains why my situation is not covered.
Most of the time things work out. Some times they don’t.
In any case I find myself
forgetting to simply deal with what is in front of me – the NOW that’s facing
me. It may not make much of a difference in the final outcome, but it leaves my
focus on the existing situation rather than on (1) the situation itself, (2) the surfacing emotions
– frustrations, angers, irritabilities – from a remembered similar situation,
(3) my response to reliving those surfacing emotions, and (4) trying to “fix”
those remembered past situations through my attempts to deal with the present
crisis. Trying to deal with all 4 of these issues is much more unmanageable
than simply dealing with #1.
One of my earliest learning
experiences when beginning my study of A Course in Miracles (ACIM) was to
comprehend that I can no longer use my past experiences to guide me. I really
understood that to use my past experience is simply to relive that past all
over again. If it was a good experience, well, that’s nice. If it was a
horrible experience, then I’m reliving and “re-enjoying” that awfulness once
more. But, in either case, I’m not living NOW. I’m shutting the door on the
possibility that the Holy Spirit can use me in this situation to allow my love to
help transform the encounter. He can’t use me because I’m no longer there. I’m
too busy reliving the event that exists in my head. I will continue to shut Him out because my
belief is that my memory is replaying more of a reality than the true reality
that is staring me in the face.
But the reality I think I’m
replaying is not accurate. It is a selective, edited, supportive rendition of
the past I created to support the image I have of myself. I have a story I tell myself to explain
myself to me. It’s my ego. It has created this magical movie that has cast me
as the “unsung” hero of the story.
A while ago I asked you to test
this out. The next time you get together with family or old high school
buddies, recall a common incident and your recollection of it – what was
important, what you learned, what stands out for you. You will hear some tell
you they have no memory of that at all. Others will tell you different interpretations
of that same event. Quite a few of you responded over the next month to verify
that experience indeed happened to you.
In a novel I’m currently reading
– “O” Is For Outlaw by Sue Grafton, Henry Holt, 1999 – the heroine states: “... I was ready to go through the box of
memorabilia, though I half dreaded what I would find. So much of the past is
encapsulated in the odds and ends. Most of us discard more information about
ourselves than we ever care to preserve. Our recollection of the past is not
simply distorted by our faulty perception of events remembered but skewed by
those forgotten. The memory is like orbiting twin stars, one visible, one dark,
the trajectory of what‘s evident forever affected by the gravity of what’s
concealed.” [pp. 24-25]
I love the way Grafton compared
memory to twin stars – visible and dark. It is a wonderful depiction of how my
memory seems to work.
Long before I was aware of ACIM,
I was dealing with my sponsor in AA over issues of respecting my past but moving
on beyond it. My superior at work had been out of town on an extended work
duty, and I had been having issues with my boss’s boss about how I was handling
a difficult government client. This client was the Inspector General of a
cabinet-level federal agency. One day I returned to my office after visiting
another agency. My secretary rushed in with an urgent message from my boss’s
boss to contact him immediately. My initial thought was very fearful. Had this
difficult client called him with a complaint about me? Was I about to be fired?
Demoted? Then I remembered what my sponsor had told me about dealing with my
past. He had said that many times he had feared punishment from superiors only
to discover he was really reliving difficult times he had had with his father.
So, I breathed in a long breath
and told myself, “You are not being called to the principal’s office, nor are
you being confronted by your angry father. Just call and go see your Senior
Vice President.” I did just that and heard him tell me he had just visited this
difficult client and had been reamed out. The client had told him – in effect –
to mind his own business. The client stated he had some issues with me, but we had
developed an honest and positive working relationship and, most importantly, he
trusted me.
I had stopped letting the
emotions of other bad experiences color the present. I simply dealt with what
was in front of me.
Now, when I find myself with my perceived ineffective contractors, the
only way I can correct this is to
state: "I am <angry, worried, disappointed, etc.> at/because <name, situation> but I am only reacting to a world whose
meaning I created from a selective memory of my past. I am determined to really see! I am neither the victim nor the victor.
I do not know what anything, including this situation, means, so I do not know
how to respond to it. And I will not use
my own past learning as the light to guide me.” So, I ask – “I really no
longer want this; Help me to see another
way of looking at this situation."
Then I still my mind and listen for the message of my Spirit Guide!
Although these messages are
mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this
message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual
journey.
Don
#5 March 2015
Copyright 2015
I too the "twin star" thought...
ReplyDeletethe trajectory of what‘s evident forever affected by the gravity of what’s concealed.