A recent morning, waiting for
the dew to burn off the grass so I could mow, I was watching all the activity
on a blooming Sedum (or “Lives Forever” as my aunt calls them). I was
fascinated because last year the blossoms were a dark, ruddy brown. This summer
they are pink. Not only pink, but covered in all sorts of flying insects:
bumble bees, honey bees, waspy-looking things, small bugs, larger bugs, and
some really strange looking flying ants or flies. All were simply poking around
for nectar or pollen and oblivious to what was going on around them. Their
concentration reminded me of shoppers at special one-day bargain basement sale.
Sort of.
The shoppers I’ve seen will
elbow, grab, hide “finds” in other racks, and hoard items in their basket – not
wanting to lose them – until they can be sure of a fit. In short, these bargain
shoppers seem to operate on their unwavering belief in lack. Other shoppers
therefore are viewed as potential “enemies” to be thwarted, stymied, and
held-at-bay. Given their belief, their strategy is impeccable.
Unlike our shoppers, these Sedum-visiting
insects would simply move over and around each other and keep on keepin’ on. Yum. Yum. There was no sense of “This is
mine!” “Keep away until I’m done.” “I want that – it’s meant for me!” “Look at
that BBB (bloated bumble bee, in insect speak)! Why is she hoarding
the whole bloom? She’s never going to be
able to fly away with all that pollen stuck to her. I hope a spider gets her. Harumph!”
I try not to think of Lack. Lack
is simply another face of attachment or possessiveness. Abundance/Possessiveness/Lack
is a facet of dualistic thinking, what my ego calls “reality:” good/bad;
positive/negative; light/dark; holy/profane; win/lose; rich/poor;
victor/victim; empowered/dependent; success/failure. Unfortunately, I find
myself still thinking that way at times and it always disrupts my sense of
Grace, which I define as “all is as it
should be – right now – for me.”
With my spiritual life
disrupted, I begin to feel out-of-sorts. I find myself beginning to compare
myself or my perceived situation to others or their situations. In AA-Speak: I
compare my insides to another’s outsides. In ACIM-Speak: I attack others by
judging them (which is all a “comparison” is) when all I’m really judging is
myself. “To obtain [the rewards of my
ego’s thought system] you are willing to attack the Divinity of your brothers,
and thus lose sight of your own.” ACIM T-10: III.5.2.
This comparing process increases
my out-of-sortness. Soon I’m beginning to feel a wee bit sorry for myself: “Why
don’t I win the lottery? Someone has to. Why can’t it be me?” “If I could only
be more like ____, I’d be much happier.” “If I only had ___, my life would be
more complete.”
By the time I get to these kinds
of places I’m generally miserable and down in the dumps. Then, I’ll start
beating myself up: “Don, you know better, stop! Why’d you let your spiritual
life get so out of whack? What’s the matter with you? Haven’t you learned
anything?”
By now, in my journey to my
spiritual backwoods, I’m a mess – a total, confused, self-absorbed mess. All
because I began – once again – believing in lack and enjoying my self-pity pot.
So, what now? What do I do to
get out of this and get back on my path? It’s rather simple, actually. Simple
to say, that is. Not so simple for me to do.
I get through this by going
through this. I get through this by remembering that my feelings of inadequacy
or lack are just that – feelings. Feelings are indicators, not dictators. I do
not have to do anything but acknowledge that I’m frustrated or bored or
irritated at my apparent inability to move forward. Unfortunately, however, it always
seems to take a 2x4 up against the side of my head to get my attention and
force me to look honestly at what is happening inside me. Once that occurs, I
can begin moving forward – being honest with myself, sharing my feelings with
others (whether it’s in an AA meeting, an ACIM gathering, or sharing myself via
in these messages). Being honest gets this “poison” out of my insides and into
the open air where I can hear others laugh (with
– not at me), acknowledge they have
similar feelings, offer their experience, strength and hope.
Rather than focusing on my perceived answers to my perceived problems – i.e., the lottery,
being more like ___, obtaining a - I begin to focus on my frustration. I
find I’m never frustrated at what I think I’m frustrated about. I’m frustrated
because I’ve relinquished my life to my ego, which only knows frustration,
conflict, anxiety, hurt, misery, etc. So, I just stop and acknowledge that.
“OK. This is my “now” me: frustrated. Oh! Now this is my “now” me: angry. Aha!
This is my “now” me: disappointed.” And I begin interjecting observational
thoughts – “This is my “now” me: flitting from feeling to feeling.” Once out in
the open, my feelings and spiritual paralysis begins quickly to dissipate, and
a small sense of calm begins to grow.
Although these messages are
mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this
message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual
journey.
Don.
#3 September, 2013
Copyright, 2013
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