About 3 years into my recovery,
I ran across a great little book by Earnie Larsen entitled Stage II Recovery – Life Beyond Addiction (Harper & Row, 1985).
In it he had this wonderful quote (page 30) that I thought was right on the
money. I have never forgotten it. “What
you live with you learn. What you learn you practice. What you practice you
become. What you become has consequences.” Later, he also wrote a companion
book called Stage II Relationships that was also very helpful to me.
But his quote is such a simple and
profound truism for me. It explained so much about my life and all my failed
relationships. I remember when I did my 5th Step with my sponsor, a
major portion of which was trying to dissect all these unsatisfactory
relationships. Ken asked me what I thought the common denominator was to all
these relationships. I thought for a while and began reciting common physical
similarities in the women with whom I was smitten: Kissable lips, pouty mouths,
short and stacked, pretty and sensual. He kept shaking his head. Then I went to
the emotional similarities: Rather needy, modestly insecure, wanting to be
dominated in bed, thrilled at my spontaneity (which I had planned), and so on.
“No!” My sponsor told me. “The
common denominator throughout all your relationships has been you.”
I cannot really remember, but I
believe I replied with something absolutely profound. I think what I said was “Duuhh.
Oooohhh. Yeah.”
What I had become had had
consequences resulting in my failed relationships. What I had become had had
consequences in all the glorious trips to my Pity Pot that led to a series of
very demeaning (especially to my children) decisions, That led, eventually, to an
increase in my drinking, that allowed my drinking to get out of control, that finally
ended with my abject fear of the agony of alcohol withdrawal – whose only “fix”
was more alcohol. It was the vicious cycle of addiction.
How did I begin turning my life
around 25 years ago? Well, I didn’t actually. Working AA’s suggested program of
recovery took care of that. Doing what I was told, I didn’t drink, I went to
meetings, I got a sponsor, I shared, I prayed, I worked the Steps, I did
service work. In short, I began practicing all sorts of new behaviors. So, with
the considerable help and guidance of AA, I had begun reversing Larsen’s quote:
What I lived with I learned. What I was
learning in the Program I was beginning to try to practice on a daily basis.
What I was now practicing was changing who I was becoming. What I was now becoming
was beginning to have new (and better) consequences.
That process is still underway
and will stay underway until my body stops breathing.
This is not rocket science.
However, the most difficult issue for me was a 4 or 5-year period after several
years of sobriety when my new practices were becoming more “natural.” I found I
was no longer who I was, but I had not yet become who I was going to be. I was
in a “no man’s land.” In between – for me it was a horrible place of confusion,
frustration, anxiety and disappointment.
Throughout this same 4-5 years,
a second, complicating issue for me was my confounding expectations. I just
couldn’t help it. My steel-trap of a mind would begin anticipating that my
getting better would result in X. When X didn’t materialize I would be
frustrated, angry, and bitter – so much so that the benefits that were
happening to me as a result of my “becoming” someone better went unrecognized.
I remember thinking about one of
the promises made in Chapter Six of the Big Book while discussing the 9th
Step: “We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle
us.” When was this intuition going to happen to me? I had imagined (code name: Expectations) that I would suddenly be
able to spout great wisdom in my company’s conference rooms while discussing
sticky complications with clients, or I would be able to handle delicate issues
within my relationships with women or with my immediate family. When I
mentioned this frustration to my sponsor, he reminded me that quite often I had
shared in meetings that, in doing nothing, most of my “baffling situations”
seemed to dissolve all by themselves. “Well, that’s right,” I replied. He
asked: “Wasn’t that ‘…intuitively knowing how to handle situations?’” Again, my
profound response: “Duuhh. Oooohhh. Yeah.”
This 20 year-old continuing
process of reversing Larsen’s adage has been taken to a whole new level with my
involvement in A Course in Miracles (ACIM). It is a very similar message to
AA’s, but on a very spiritual level. While AA has taught me (and supported,
accepted and nurtured me) to grow as a responsible human being in society, ACIM
has taught me that my true nature is a spirit. Although I am currently a human
in a body (and AA is still helping me be a more responsible one), I am really an already-loved spirit,
currently having a dreamlike human experience, and I am destined to play a
significant role in the Atonement by continually forgiving myself and others. By
constantly forgiving I am allowing my light to shine. The Holy Spirit does the
rest.
This profound reality of ACIM
has led me to offer these weekly posts I share with you. These posts keep the
reality of my on-going transformation very vivid for me, which also keeps the
Now of the Christmas Gospel in my focus.
Although these messages are
mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this
message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual
journey.
Don
#2 December, 2012
Copyright, 2012
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