Early in my recovering from alcoholism I was very aware of
my generalized guilt over – well, over everything. I had truly messed up my
life in a big way and was now very apologetic about my life and about me. I was
very apologetic to my children, especially, but also to virtually everyone
everywhere. I was constantly apologizing – literally. “I’m sorry you feel that
way.” “I’m sorry my sharing brought up bad, disturbing memories for you.” I
simply didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I didn’t want to be an agent of
pain and hurt.
Several people in the program commented to me – quite
often actually during coffee after an AA meeting – as to why I was always
saying “I’m sorry….” or “I feel bad….” They’d go on to tell me “Don you’re not
really sorry. You may regret some
outcome you didn’t intend, but you’re not really sorry. ‘Sorry’ is the wrong
word. It’s not your fault that your sharing dredged up someone else’s bad
memories. Why don’t’ you start using the word ‘regret?’ It’ll help clarify your
real feelings to yourself.”
I did and it did.
I began saying “I regret that my discussion of my early
memories brought up bad things for you, too. They’re painful. I know.” And
people began responding by saying, “Thank you for sharing. Yes. It’s painful,
but if you hadn’t shared, my memory may not have bubbled to the surface.”
Wow! These folks were not hurt or pained because of me.
They were grateful. My constant apologizing was keeping the focus on me. Using
the term ‘regret’ opened the door to have the focus of the conversation on both of us – sharing the growth (usually
accompanied by some pain) that was occurring simultaneously in us.
There is this great quote attributed to Mahatma Gandhi: “Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your
thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become
your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.”
I didn’t know I wanted to change my habits, my values, and
my destiny. All I knew was that my life sucked. I wanted to feel better, act
better, and be better.
My constant apologetic words had become a way of life for
me – which kept solidifying my feelings about myself. These feelings were not
very nice. They were feelings of poor self-esteem or low self-worth. My words
were constantly reinforcing this self-image I had: Unworthy. Guilty. Shameful.
My words were reinforcing my feelings just the way drying concrete solidifies
into hardened cement.
How do I undo that?
Changing my words of ‘sorry’ to ‘regret’ began to affect
my thoughts and my actions. It really helped me begin to allow my life to begin
changing, my self-esteem to begin growing, and my self-image to begin
blossoming.
This is part of what I think AA members mean when folks
say “Act as if…” or “Fake it ‘til you make it.” By simply saying different
words or doing different little actions I began making significant differences
in my thoughts and feelings, which continued to alter the words I used, which
changed my actions, my habits, my values, and my destiny. Just like Gandhi
predicted.
It’s pretty simple and very effective. I still say “I’m
sorry,” if I really need to apologize for my words or actions. But most of the
time it’s not truly an apologetic situation and so I’m regretful – not sorry. So
I say “I regret…”
But, little by little, it works.
At least it has worked for me. I see no reason why it
wouldn’t work for you as well.
Although these messages are
mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this
message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual
journey.
Don.
#2 October, 2013
Copyright, 2013
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