Last week’s angry outburst [Msg-4-Sep-2014; Cunning, Baffling and Powerful Felix ] threw me off kilter. I
shared my frustrations and disappointments with myself at my favorite AA
meeting. As members of the Fellowship
shared their experience and strength, some clarification began to take shape in
me. Being as honest as I could the meeting helped me begin getting back on
track.
I discussed recently [Msg-4-Aug-2014; The Power Of The 3 R’s]
the process of Recognize, Release, and Relax. Recognizing my childish
ego, who I have named Felix, requires some mental discipline and honest
self-knowledge. Releasing also requires some discipline to use the
spiritual tools I have in my toolbox, but often forget about. Relaxing
requires only an honest willingness on my part to listen for the Voice or
intuitive whisper of the Holy Spirit to provide me some guidance.
I have learned in A Course In
Miracles (ACIM) that I am never upset or angry for the reason I think. AA has
also taught me, in the Fourth and Fifth Steps, to conduct an honest moral
inventory. So the first thing I focus on either during an outburst of anger or
shortly thereafter is: “What role am I playing
(or have played) in this episode?” Then I ask, “What am I afraid of?”
because behind my anger is shame, guilt and fear. ALWAYS. In short, it’s always
an inside job. The episode will either continue to upset me or it will become a
teaching moment – not about the episode, or the others in it, but about me.
The events or people outside me
are not the cause of my anger and frustration. So I look honestly inside myself
for what is going on. Connected behind my anger is shame and guilt and fear. I
have not done enough or I have not done enough well enough or I simply
am not enough. Behind my shame lies an ocean of amorphous guilt. OMG!
Someone might see the real me. How embarrassing that would be! I spend a lot of
time and energy deflecting criticism, justifying, and defending my “pretend”
me. I want to really know you, while keeping you from knowing the true me. My
innermost thoughts from Felix allow me to be an all-knowing absolute judge of
you, yet I deflect any praise you might throw at me. I believe the more
superior I act the less you’ll discover the scared little boy inside. AA says
this very, very simply in this way: “I am an ego-maniac with an inferiority
complex.” Behind that guilt is fear – something I have may be taken away or
something will not materialize that I think I deserve to have.
I began to understand that my
angry outburst was an outlet for a simmering resentment that had little to do
with the episode, itself. I have learned to pray for the person or situation
around which my resentment revolves. I was reminded of that at the meeting. I
have learned to ask the God of my understanding to remove my shortcomings – my
resentment, my shame, and my guilt – just for today. That reminder also surfaced at the meeting. I
have learned in ACIM to focus my attention on the whispers of intuitive
guidance rather than on the justifications and rationalizations Felix will
concoct to explain the absolute truth of my resulting resentments. Felix can
make a case for any emotion/feeling I have. I simply need to continue learning
to recognize him and then to ignore him.
A recent post from The Wisdom of
the Rooms by Michael Z [http://www.thewisdomoftherooms.com]
was quite helpful and says in another voice what I’m trying to say here. “One of the biggest gifts I've been given in
recovery is the ability to pause when I'm feeling anxious, angry or judgmental
and ask myself what I'm afraid of…. It didn't always used to be this way. For
years whenever I was feeling out of sorts, I looked outside of myself for the
cause. There was always someone not doing things my way, or someone acting
worse than I was, and it was easy to point out their faults to make myself feel
better. Needless to say, I had more resentments than friends, and when I
entered the program I was angry and alone.
“What I've learned in recovery is that whenever I'm feeling irritable,
restless or discontented, it is always because I'm in self-centered fear and
spiritually disconnected from my Higher Power. The ability to recognize this
has literally changed my life, … If I'm OK with me, I have no need to make you
wrong.”
These tools, I believe, are very
practical methods to live within the principles and truth of ACIM. The
principles of A Course In Miracles coupled with the tools of Alcoholics Anonymous
are saving my life. I’m very blessed by them. I cannot begin to imagine going
through what I’ve been through without these principles and tools.
What gifts! What a journey!
Although these messages are
mostly for me, thanks for listening. As always – feel free to forward this
message to your friends, family, and those accompanying you on your spiritual
journey.
Don
#1 October 2014
Copyright, 2014
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